Randomly reading my views on love in different posts on this blog one understandably gets confused as to what I actually stand for with regards to love. I am often faced with the question, "Do you believe in love?" to which most of the times I have to respond with just a smile. Next time I will instead give the link of this post!
To answer this question 500 Days of Summer style (My rating of the film: 6/10, Not recommended): "It's love. It's not Santa Claus!" You can't believe or not believe in love. It is certainly not a fantasy. Superman is a fantasy, but love actually makes you fly. It isn't just one's imagination. Imagination isn't that powerful.
Does that mean love exists for real? Well, let's not get carried away. The answer is not so simple, because this is actually a disguised query. In a disguised query one isn't really asking what the question appears to be about. Say, person A defines love as a combination of respect-empathy-compassion (which for me is "true love"), and for person B love is the classic symptoms of "romantic love", i.e. obsession-attachment-euphoria. Now when they ask "Do you believe in love?" they are not really asking the same thing. It's a disguised query in that person A actually wants to know whether you believe that sharing of respect-empathy-compassion between two persons is possible for life, while person B's query is about the obsession-attachment-euphoria kind of romantic love.
For the moment let's focus on person B's query. It can be further looked into to see whether he is asking if romantic love (obsession-attachment-euphoria) exists at all, or he is asking if it lasts for life. If the query is the former then as I said above, love certainly exists. (Who denies that those feelings exist?!) If the query is the latter, i.e. whether romantic love lasts for life, then the answer is negative. And if one believes that it lasts for life then that's a fantasy! That's the reason why I often speak against mass media (TV, Hollywood, fiction books) feeding people with "fantasy ideals" of love and thereby raising their expectations from life to unrealistic level which makes them end up in misery.
Mostly I see two types of people when it comes to love. Those who don't believe in love and therefore advocate only casual relationships. (Enjoy till it lasts, they would say.) And those who totally believe in fantasy ideals of love. In my opinion both are misguided. Now you must wonder why I am calling enjoy-till-lasts a misguided approach, for I just said that romantic love doesn't last for life. Well, that's true, but romantic love (or romance) is not all there is to love. In fact, true love isn't romantic. THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT. True love consists of respect-empathy-compassion. Similar to what best friends share, only much more in degree. That's the love our "human nature" craves. Romantic love (obsession-attachment-euphoria) pertains to our "animal nature", and it's there for the purpose of enabling "mating". (More on romantic love.) We don't have full control on our animal nature. That's the reason we are pretty much powerless when romantic love is on.
Autonomy is the hallmark of being human. That part of one's behavior on which one doesn't have autonomous control pertains to one's animal nature. Since we are fundamentally animals we can't disown our animal nature which serves biological goals (or natural goals). Therefore, we can't not develop romantic love, by choice, and be in a relationship. But importantly, when romantic love wanes (and it does), that's not the end of a relationship. If one believes that romantic love is the thing then one is utterly misguided. For, such life would never be fulfilling. It would, if we were just animals; but as more-than-animals we have more sophisticated needs from a relationship. Trust, sincerity, devotion, solidity, consistency, cooperation... These are essentially human qualities on which our social world is founded. Striped of these qualities we would be living in a jungle! Enjoy-till-it-lasts is a denial of these human qualities! That's what is wrong with this mindset. A human being can never have fulfilling life with this mindset.
Enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset is animalistic and out-and-out narcissistic. Who would decide if it's still enjoyable? There are two parties in a relationship. What if one person stops enjoying it while the other still wants to enjoy it? (And that's the case most of the times!) See? That's why it's narcissistic. To say enjoy-till-it-lasts is to say: I am in only till I enjoy it.
Talking about love and not acknowledging the impermanence of romantic love isn't going to lead to a meaningful conclusion. Because then believing in love would be to believe that romantic love lasts "forever" (meant-to-be, soul mates etc) – which is not true and will only bring misery if earnestly expected; and to not believe in love is to carry enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset (or to completely keep away from a relationship) which isn't conducive to fulfillment in human life.
Do I believe in love?
If given only two choices, I would live with a suited person for life without romantic love, sharing only true love (respect-empathy-compassion); but would be wary of making a decision to be with someone carrying the enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset. Fortunately, in a serious lifelong relationship one can maintain some romance (not extreme passion and euphoria) throughout life of a relationship by conscious measures. One must only give up the fantasy ideals of romantic love and learn the importance of true love, and live like a mature human being rather than taking to infantile rambling for romance and passion.
All that said, I am aware that sometimes the natural forces take the better of us. Agree that seduction is really a fun game whether it's boldly played with sexual intent or by subtle way of romantic love; but that's not the best way for humans to be in love. In any case, a clear understanding is important so that there's no disconnect between what you were looking for and what you ended up with.
For me love is more than romance. As much as I am vulnerable to romantic love, I know what romantic feelings are for; and as much as I am open to enjoying the magic of romantic love, I value true love (which emerges when romance subsides) more than romantic love. I can't conceive a serious committed relationship with a woman who doesn't have this understanding.
To answer this question 500 Days of Summer style (My rating of the film: 6/10, Not recommended): "It's love. It's not Santa Claus!" You can't believe or not believe in love. It is certainly not a fantasy. Superman is a fantasy, but love actually makes you fly. It isn't just one's imagination. Imagination isn't that powerful.
Does that mean love exists for real? Well, let's not get carried away. The answer is not so simple, because this is actually a disguised query. In a disguised query one isn't really asking what the question appears to be about. Say, person A defines love as a combination of respect-empathy-compassion (which for me is "true love"), and for person B love is the classic symptoms of "romantic love", i.e. obsession-attachment-euphoria. Now when they ask "Do you believe in love?" they are not really asking the same thing. It's a disguised query in that person A actually wants to know whether you believe that sharing of respect-empathy-compassion between two persons is possible for life, while person B's query is about the obsession-attachment-euphoria kind of romantic love.
For the moment let's focus on person B's query. It can be further looked into to see whether he is asking if romantic love (obsession-attachment-euphoria) exists at all, or he is asking if it lasts for life. If the query is the former then as I said above, love certainly exists. (Who denies that those feelings exist?!) If the query is the latter, i.e. whether romantic love lasts for life, then the answer is negative. And if one believes that it lasts for life then that's a fantasy! That's the reason why I often speak against mass media (TV, Hollywood, fiction books) feeding people with "fantasy ideals" of love and thereby raising their expectations from life to unrealistic level which makes them end up in misery.
Mostly I see two types of people when it comes to love. Those who don't believe in love and therefore advocate only casual relationships. (Enjoy till it lasts, they would say.) And those who totally believe in fantasy ideals of love. In my opinion both are misguided. Now you must wonder why I am calling enjoy-till-lasts a misguided approach, for I just said that romantic love doesn't last for life. Well, that's true, but romantic love (or romance) is not all there is to love. In fact, true love isn't romantic. THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT. True love consists of respect-empathy-compassion. Similar to what best friends share, only much more in degree. That's the love our "human nature" craves. Romantic love (obsession-attachment-euphoria) pertains to our "animal nature", and it's there for the purpose of enabling "mating". (More on romantic love.) We don't have full control on our animal nature. That's the reason we are pretty much powerless when romantic love is on.
Autonomy is the hallmark of being human. That part of one's behavior on which one doesn't have autonomous control pertains to one's animal nature. Since we are fundamentally animals we can't disown our animal nature which serves biological goals (or natural goals). Therefore, we can't not develop romantic love, by choice, and be in a relationship. But importantly, when romantic love wanes (and it does), that's not the end of a relationship. If one believes that romantic love is the thing then one is utterly misguided. For, such life would never be fulfilling. It would, if we were just animals; but as more-than-animals we have more sophisticated needs from a relationship. Trust, sincerity, devotion, solidity, consistency, cooperation... These are essentially human qualities on which our social world is founded. Striped of these qualities we would be living in a jungle! Enjoy-till-it-lasts is a denial of these human qualities! That's what is wrong with this mindset. A human being can never have fulfilling life with this mindset.
Enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset is animalistic and out-and-out narcissistic. Who would decide if it's still enjoyable? There are two parties in a relationship. What if one person stops enjoying it while the other still wants to enjoy it? (And that's the case most of the times!) See? That's why it's narcissistic. To say enjoy-till-it-lasts is to say: I am in only till I enjoy it.
Talking about love and not acknowledging the impermanence of romantic love isn't going to lead to a meaningful conclusion. Because then believing in love would be to believe that romantic love lasts "forever" (meant-to-be, soul mates etc) – which is not true and will only bring misery if earnestly expected; and to not believe in love is to carry enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset (or to completely keep away from a relationship) which isn't conducive to fulfillment in human life.
Do I believe in love?
If given only two choices, I would live with a suited person for life without romantic love, sharing only true love (respect-empathy-compassion); but would be wary of making a decision to be with someone carrying the enjoy-till-it-lasts mindset. Fortunately, in a serious lifelong relationship one can maintain some romance (not extreme passion and euphoria) throughout life of a relationship by conscious measures. One must only give up the fantasy ideals of romantic love and learn the importance of true love, and live like a mature human being rather than taking to infantile rambling for romance and passion.
All that said, I am aware that sometimes the natural forces take the better of us. Agree that seduction is really a fun game whether it's boldly played with sexual intent or by subtle way of romantic love; but that's not the best way for humans to be in love. In any case, a clear understanding is important so that there's no disconnect between what you were looking for and what you ended up with.
For me love is more than romance. As much as I am vulnerable to romantic love, I know what romantic feelings are for; and as much as I am open to enjoying the magic of romantic love, I value true love (which emerges when romance subsides) more than romantic love. I can't conceive a serious committed relationship with a woman who doesn't have this understanding.
Couldn't be be better. Perfect thought and perfect execution. I suddenly found some innate but improperly defined (for self) beliefs and/or doubts about the same thing coming out clearly. CLEARLY.
ReplyDeleteFor the first time, I felt someone's writing serve as an eye-opener of sorts. I don't think anyone—whether similar to person A or to B—can deny or deject any part of your opinion. The beauty of this post, that although you presented it as your opinion and philosophy, it felt like the absolute universal truth.
This is the first time I read something on your blog and I am so glad that I did. But let me tell you honestly what has kept me away from here till now... unlike most of us who think they "do philosophy" everyday, you are actually studying it. While that gives you the great power of exploring the human psyche and other things and then expressing your explorations aesthetically and strongly, I personally have felt that there is one little downside to it—maybe just for a normal person like me—that, it tends to sound a bit too technical at times, not thoughtful of the ordinary human emotions. But then I do understand that it is the very beauty of it; what might seem like emotionless philanthropy to me, is actually an emotionally NEUTRAL "deep-sea" exploration of every aspect of life pertaining to human beings. Only someone who eats, drinks and sleeps philosophy can do that—unaffected by personal experiences and feelings.
What I mean to say is that in this post, I didn't have anything to complain of even in that aspect. It wasn't technical, it wasn't an emotionless take; it was, balanced.
One to the article I wish I had written. [:P] [:D]
ReplyDeleteOccaisionally, (very occasionally indeed) romantic love and true love happen together. Like a chance occurrence. Like someone born with exceptionally good IQ/talent.
People want such stories to happen to them. People want to be like that gifted person. People look up to the extra ordinary.
But we can't base our lives on exceptions. We have to understand the rules that apply to the majority. Many people don't get the rules right when it comes to love. For them love is something ethereal that will someday dawn in their life.[:)]
Just discovered your blog today.And yes,did leave a couple of anonymous comments an hr back:-)And my browser tab is still open in the meantime.Hooked:-)
ReplyDeleteMost love I see today,is the type experienced by Glenn close in Fatal attraction.I read somewhere that the pain and unhappiness in love isn't caused by the other person.Rather romantic love brings out the pain and unhappiness in you!Wise words I have kept in my mind...
What do you do?Are you a student of philosophy? I enjoy philosophy myself,particularly the darker flavors like Schopenhauer