This post can be regarded as a postscript to Modernity and the Fate of Marriage.
Maybe all traditionally conditioned people married primarily for having a partner for life. So was their conditioning. They were conditioned to see in it the meaning of life – in having a partner, and raising a family. Not that they didn’t crave passion, but it was not spoken about overtly. It was always taken to be secondary. After the marriage their long-restrained passion would be unleashed; and when it would subside, that wouldn’t jeopardize the marriage. For marriage for them held a much greater meaning.
I believe, in the long-term, whether it is marriage based on romantic love or an arranged one, it makes little difference in the area of passion. Because passionate romantic love won’t last anyway. After the passion is gone, what’s the difference between traditionally-arranged marriage and a modern love marriage? The difference is that love marriages are prone to result in divorce because modern people are free minded – “we will find another partner to fall in love if this didn’t work”.
Traditionally-arranged marriages, on the other hand, are much more likely to sustain, even without passion, and their children would get a better prospect of childhood, and even the couple would have a partner and security through their old age.
Besides, it’s not even true that romantic love is absent in arranged marriages. Almost all traditionally conditioned people fall in love with their partner right after the marriage has been decided on, and subsequently they also have the passion. But since in traditional-mindset passion is never given primery importance, they don’t have that high (and unrealistic) expectations in that area. So, after 2-3-4 years of marriage their passion subsides, but their sense of duty – rooted in their mind by their traditional conditioning – keeps them in the marriage. Later, children and their family becomes their meaning in life. The society on the whole remains stable, and people more sane.
Of course, exceptions are everywhere, in every system. But this is what happens in general. Or so I think at the moment.
But fact be acknowledged, tradition is passé. Or soon to be.
Maybe all traditionally conditioned people married primarily for having a partner for life. So was their conditioning. They were conditioned to see in it the meaning of life – in having a partner, and raising a family. Not that they didn’t crave passion, but it was not spoken about overtly. It was always taken to be secondary. After the marriage their long-restrained passion would be unleashed; and when it would subside, that wouldn’t jeopardize the marriage. For marriage for them held a much greater meaning.
I believe, in the long-term, whether it is marriage based on romantic love or an arranged one, it makes little difference in the area of passion. Because passionate romantic love won’t last anyway. After the passion is gone, what’s the difference between traditionally-arranged marriage and a modern love marriage? The difference is that love marriages are prone to result in divorce because modern people are free minded – “we will find another partner to fall in love if this didn’t work”.
Traditionally-arranged marriages, on the other hand, are much more likely to sustain, even without passion, and their children would get a better prospect of childhood, and even the couple would have a partner and security through their old age.
Besides, it’s not even true that romantic love is absent in arranged marriages. Almost all traditionally conditioned people fall in love with their partner right after the marriage has been decided on, and subsequently they also have the passion. But since in traditional-mindset passion is never given primery importance, they don’t have that high (and unrealistic) expectations in that area. So, after 2-3-4 years of marriage their passion subsides, but their sense of duty – rooted in their mind by their traditional conditioning – keeps them in the marriage. Later, children and their family becomes their meaning in life. The society on the whole remains stable, and people more sane.
Of course, exceptions are everywhere, in every system. But this is what happens in general. Or so I think at the moment.
But fact be acknowledged, tradition is passé. Or soon to be.
I wonder if there may be a greater commitment by partners in an arranged marriage to make it work "because it has to", whereas love marriages can break and new ones form (or so it may be believed).
ReplyDeleteI also wonder how often, in any given marriage, a person thinks "I am very lucky to have someone who is willing to put up with me and all my faults, weaknesses and prejudices" as opposed to thinking how burdened they are to have to put up with those things in their partners.
Darshan,
ReplyDeleteWhen people fall in love , it is generally with a personality and when they get married they have to live with a character and the two may not be same .
Whether it is traditional marriage or love marriage it's success largely depends on commitment, maturity and will people have in adjusting with things they think are not right in their partner .
people should consider themselves privileged that someone is putting up with them all their faults and shortcomings instead of always harping about faults in their partners.
I totally agree with what Bill Allin has written.....
But whether the generation educated by mass media and carrying individualism (i listen to my heart, i have my own philosophy, i do what i feel right) can see this, is the question. The social environment is so changing that tradition is declining and individualism is on the rise.
ReplyDeleteModern society has left behind the traditional format, where roles and responsibilities of family members (especially spouses) were well defined, thus leaving little scope for conflicts. Plus there was uniformity in values held, because tradition was pervasive and mass media wasn't so influential.
ReplyDeleteModernity talks about individualism, gender equality, competitiveness etc, and invites alienation, dysfunction, unrest etc as consequences.
what i believe is arranged marriage is considerably dangerous, since there has been no compatibility check of any kind. And considering that some people are cruel, or have anger problems, or any other problems which cant be known...
ReplyDeletethou i personally would go for an arranged marriage simply because i find it weird but i wont suggest the same to others especially females,, since the whole concept of arranged marriage has been designed keeping in mind the comfort of the male..
I am not suggesting any system here. This is just an evaluation of traditional system vis-à-vis modern mindset.
ReplyDeleteTraditional systems are suitable only in the traditional social environment, where all the people (at least those involved in the contract) hold traditional values. Following any traditional system in modern, non-traditional environment is bound to failure.
And for the most part, tradition is gone already. So, this is more of a look into what went wrong, not a remedy.
This is an interesting topic that has always been argued over for so long. I was surprised to hear people associate arranged marriages traditional and something of the past. Love marriages may be higher in statistics but arranged marriages are still practised in so many parts of the world today!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I personally consider any form of marriage a big gamble because it just is! Just like probability, a marriage can either work or fail depending on the compatibility of the couple!
It so happens that that in the past, women being financially depended on male, had no choice but to stay in an unhappy marriage. So, it seemed to have 'worked' out in harmony with the two of them balancing out their respective roles and even setting examples on the generations to follow. But, were they happy as a couple? How many of us ever wonder about that? Some of them sacrificed their lives because they had no choice. But today, on the other hand women are much more in control of their life. They can make bold decisions about breaking or getting into a marriage because they are confident that they can bear the consequences. No wonder the divorce rate is so high today.
Frankly speaking, in the future the entire concept of marriage would seem traditional be it love or arranged, because people would not want to commit their entire life to something that is so uncertain.
Happiness is relative. When the idea of happy marriage comprises of fantasy ideals of romantic passion provided by TV, films, fiction books and magazines, no human can ever have a happy marriage.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have seen a LOT of happy (arrenged) marriages around me; although these days I see less and less of them. No wonder, now we have 24/7 TV (and every other media) feeding people chimeras and raising their expectations from life to unrealistic degree.