This is a sixth article in the series about romantic love and related issues. It is recommended that you read the earlier articles to fully understand what’s being said here. Here’s a list of articles about romantic love and related issues.
My friend Kitty wrote an article about it, and that’s how I got introduced to this fabulous term: True partnership. To show what she means by it, I will quote an excerpt from her article on her blog Brave New Kitty.
“When people say they want love or romance, what they really want is a true partnership, whether they are aware of it or not. People have all sorts of skewed ideas about what love is. Many think it is an all-consuming passion that’s supposed to last forever, or another person who understands you completely, or someone who takes care your every need without you having to ask, or maybe never feeling lonely again. But all of these things are more about attachment than love. Yes, ideally the person you’re with cares about your needs and understands you pretty well, and there should be passion, too. But strong, healthy romantic love is so much more than that. “True love” is, more than anything, about creating a true, equal, caring partnership with another person.”
To learn about the characteristics of a true partnership read her full article.
Now, what I am going to talk about here, is the difference between romantic love and true partnership.
True partnership is not exclusive of romantic love. But romantic love itself is not sufficient for creating a true partnership.
When we are in a romantic love relationship, it is operative at two levels: Biological level, and psychological level. Though everything that we do originates at a biological level (or, is rooted in our biological wiring), we as beings-with-consciousness are primarily aware of and concerned with what we experience at a psychological level. For e.g. the happiness that a relationship gives is a psychological experience. However, not being aware of what happens at a biological level that causes romantic love feelings will not do if one wants the relationship to last long. That’s why we understood the biological roots of romantic love (in the first article).
We learned that romantic love is basically a mating drive, and that it has nothing to do with reason. Because it is irrational at core, it’s not meant to last long. But since we have psychological needs from a relationship, the longer the relationship lasts, and the more stable it is, the better it is for us. Hence, we brought rationality into romantic love. I have talked about it in the second article which is titled as: How to make romantic love relationship last long (possibly for life)?
It is important to understand that our biological impulses and drives are purely animalistic in nature. Biologically, especially with regards to sexuality, we are not much different from beasts. What makes us different from them is our mind. We are different at a psychological level. That makes it necessary for us to give due respect to our psychological needs too.
From an inter-sexual relationship what we actually look for is a true partnership. But the reason why one seldom finds true partnership is because biologically we are never meant to have anything like it. The biological forces within us ruin the thing. The need for a true partnership is our mind’s need, and is essentially human; while our biological wiring is just like other animals.
A true partnership is much more than just romantic love. Though it is important to understand that romantic love is a mating drive; but saying that a relationship is all about mating won’t be right. Yes, romantic love (mating drive) is present all along in a true partnership – that’s why we seek true partnership in a person of the opposite sex only – but at the same time, a true partnership is more than that. It’s about mutual understanding, care, sharing of passions, joys and sorrows etc. Romantic love/mating drive is present at a “biological level”, but at a “psychological level” (or should I say “human level”) it is serving many other of our mind’s needs.
Why am I telling all this? The knowledge of the conflict between our biology and psychological needs is very important. Once the relationship has reached the stage of true partnership, this knowledge serves in deciding on whether one wants to live in an animalistic way or wants live more like a human being.
Note that acting on biological impulses (animalistic way) is not wrong, because as I already said, at a biological level we are animals. But then we should ask ourselves: Are we animals at a psychological level too? Or do we have sophisticated psychological needs over and above what the beasts have? Answering it right and acting accordingly is what maturity is. Maturity, that’s essential for what’s probably the highest achievement of a human life – a true partnership.
My friend Kitty wrote an article about it, and that’s how I got introduced to this fabulous term: True partnership. To show what she means by it, I will quote an excerpt from her article on her blog Brave New Kitty.
“When people say they want love or romance, what they really want is a true partnership, whether they are aware of it or not. People have all sorts of skewed ideas about what love is. Many think it is an all-consuming passion that’s supposed to last forever, or another person who understands you completely, or someone who takes care your every need without you having to ask, or maybe never feeling lonely again. But all of these things are more about attachment than love. Yes, ideally the person you’re with cares about your needs and understands you pretty well, and there should be passion, too. But strong, healthy romantic love is so much more than that. “True love” is, more than anything, about creating a true, equal, caring partnership with another person.”
To learn about the characteristics of a true partnership read her full article.
Now, what I am going to talk about here, is the difference between romantic love and true partnership.
True partnership is not exclusive of romantic love. But romantic love itself is not sufficient for creating a true partnership.
When we are in a romantic love relationship, it is operative at two levels: Biological level, and psychological level. Though everything that we do originates at a biological level (or, is rooted in our biological wiring), we as beings-with-consciousness are primarily aware of and concerned with what we experience at a psychological level. For e.g. the happiness that a relationship gives is a psychological experience. However, not being aware of what happens at a biological level that causes romantic love feelings will not do if one wants the relationship to last long. That’s why we understood the biological roots of romantic love (in the first article).
We learned that romantic love is basically a mating drive, and that it has nothing to do with reason. Because it is irrational at core, it’s not meant to last long. But since we have psychological needs from a relationship, the longer the relationship lasts, and the more stable it is, the better it is for us. Hence, we brought rationality into romantic love. I have talked about it in the second article which is titled as: How to make romantic love relationship last long (possibly for life)?
It is important to understand that our biological impulses and drives are purely animalistic in nature. Biologically, especially with regards to sexuality, we are not much different from beasts. What makes us different from them is our mind. We are different at a psychological level. That makes it necessary for us to give due respect to our psychological needs too.
From an inter-sexual relationship what we actually look for is a true partnership. But the reason why one seldom finds true partnership is because biologically we are never meant to have anything like it. The biological forces within us ruin the thing. The need for a true partnership is our mind’s need, and is essentially human; while our biological wiring is just like other animals.
A true partnership is much more than just romantic love. Though it is important to understand that romantic love is a mating drive; but saying that a relationship is all about mating won’t be right. Yes, romantic love (mating drive) is present all along in a true partnership – that’s why we seek true partnership in a person of the opposite sex only – but at the same time, a true partnership is more than that. It’s about mutual understanding, care, sharing of passions, joys and sorrows etc. Romantic love/mating drive is present at a “biological level”, but at a “psychological level” (or should I say “human level”) it is serving many other of our mind’s needs.
Why am I telling all this? The knowledge of the conflict between our biology and psychological needs is very important. Once the relationship has reached the stage of true partnership, this knowledge serves in deciding on whether one wants to live in an animalistic way or wants live more like a human being.
Note that acting on biological impulses (animalistic way) is not wrong, because as I already said, at a biological level we are animals. But then we should ask ourselves: Are we animals at a psychological level too? Or do we have sophisticated psychological needs over and above what the beasts have? Answering it right and acting accordingly is what maturity is. Maturity, that’s essential for what’s probably the highest achievement of a human life – a true partnership.
This is a great post, Darshan. I think you've covered it well. As we've both discovered, there are many more layers and facets to romantic love, and it is not a simple thing to analyze and understand. But I think you've covered the main ideas beautifully. Thanks for writing this article, and thanks also for the links. :)
ReplyDeleteKitty
Problem is a lot of people turn a partnership into an obligation and that is usually when the romance dies, so for many people romance and partnership have little in common.
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