This is an eighth article in the series about romantic love and related issues. It is recommended that you go through the earlier articles to have a better understanding of what’s being said here. Here’s a list of all articles on romantic love and related issues.
Mystery plays a very important role in romantic love. Mystery element in romantic love refers to the state of not knowing things about the person you are hormonally attracted to. Having a mystery element makes the person more interesting; and that has a huge influence on the development and progression of romantic feelings.
Romantic love develops in two phases. In the first phase your biology gets you attracted to a certain person, and in the second phase you start thinking and fantasizing about the person and thereby give the person space in your mind. Sometimes (e.g. in cases like love-at-first-sight) the first phase is too short; but the two phases do exist nonetheless. The second phase is where intense romantic feelings develop. If one consciously avoids going through the phase two then romantic love won’t develop.
Mystery element plays a role in facilitating what happens in the phase two. And it does it in two ways —
One of the things that happen in the phase two is fantasizing about the person you are attracted to. When you fantasize about the person, you essentially make up his/her image in your mind. And that image is invariably made up of the qualities that you would like in your partner. In the end this idealized image of the person gets impressed on your brain and that triggers the feelings for that person.
The implication is: The more you know the actual qualities of a person, the less you will have to add on your own. If the actual qualities of the person are not quite likable, you may remove the person from your mind. But if you don’t know about the person at all, then it’s like a blank slate and your mind will paint anything on it. Your interest in the person will not fade because you don’t know enough things about the person that might cause you to lose interest. Even if you know some unfavorable things about the person, as long as at least some mystery remains you will always have the inclination to stick on to the person, because your mind will always fill that undiscovered space with its own idealistic fantasies.
So, the more mystery there is, the more scope your mind has to build the idealized image of that person, which in turn gives rise to romantic feelings.
We naturally feel more interested when something we are attracted to is mysterious, that is, if we know little about it. Like, a closed box is always intriguing; but as soon as the box is opened and we know what’s in it, we lose an important thing that kept our mind glued to the box – curiosity. This is also one of the reason why romantic love magic wanes after spending certain amount of time as partners. Initially it is exciting and intriguing because there’s mystery. The partners are discovering things about each other every day. They keep thinking about each other all the time. But after a while of living together when they get perfectly familiar with each other the mystery no more remains. With this, they lose an important thing which kept them glued to each others’ minds. They lose the curiosity. As a result they occupy less space in each others’ thinking and that would most likely facilitate other dynamics to run, which dilute romantic love eventually.
This also explains why virtual relationships (over the internet and phone chats) thrive despite being long distance.
In the previous article I said that long distance relationships don’t last because a long distance situation robs the relationship of certain important elements that are required for sustaining the romantic feelings. A friend of mine threw this question that if so is the case, then how come people who have never even met each other, and thus have been in a long distance setting always, develop romantic love for each other on the first place. Good question it is. The answer to it lies in the mystery element. It thrives, and thrives very fast, because virtual situation offers the mystery element in a very high degree.
In conclusion, I would say that while it’s true that romantic feelings are negatively affected by the ending of mystery, it is also necessary for a true partnership (true love) to begin. A true partnership is much more than romantic love. A true partnership is possible only when the partners perfectly know and understand each other. In a true partnership the partners have good, rational, reasons to be with each other, which is not the case with purely romantic love. Hence, in purely romantic love when the mystery gets over, it’s negative; but the same is not true for a true partnership.
Mystery plays a very important role in romantic love. Mystery element in romantic love refers to the state of not knowing things about the person you are hormonally attracted to. Having a mystery element makes the person more interesting; and that has a huge influence on the development and progression of romantic feelings.
Romantic love develops in two phases. In the first phase your biology gets you attracted to a certain person, and in the second phase you start thinking and fantasizing about the person and thereby give the person space in your mind. Sometimes (e.g. in cases like love-at-first-sight) the first phase is too short; but the two phases do exist nonetheless. The second phase is where intense romantic feelings develop. If one consciously avoids going through the phase two then romantic love won’t develop.
Mystery element plays a role in facilitating what happens in the phase two. And it does it in two ways —
Fantasizing
One of the things that happen in the phase two is fantasizing about the person you are attracted to. When you fantasize about the person, you essentially make up his/her image in your mind. And that image is invariably made up of the qualities that you would like in your partner. In the end this idealized image of the person gets impressed on your brain and that triggers the feelings for that person.
The implication is: The more you know the actual qualities of a person, the less you will have to add on your own. If the actual qualities of the person are not quite likable, you may remove the person from your mind. But if you don’t know about the person at all, then it’s like a blank slate and your mind will paint anything on it. Your interest in the person will not fade because you don’t know enough things about the person that might cause you to lose interest. Even if you know some unfavorable things about the person, as long as at least some mystery remains you will always have the inclination to stick on to the person, because your mind will always fill that undiscovered space with its own idealistic fantasies.
So, the more mystery there is, the more scope your mind has to build the idealized image of that person, which in turn gives rise to romantic feelings.
Thinking
We naturally feel more interested when something we are attracted to is mysterious, that is, if we know little about it. Like, a closed box is always intriguing; but as soon as the box is opened and we know what’s in it, we lose an important thing that kept our mind glued to the box – curiosity. This is also one of the reason why romantic love magic wanes after spending certain amount of time as partners. Initially it is exciting and intriguing because there’s mystery. The partners are discovering things about each other every day. They keep thinking about each other all the time. But after a while of living together when they get perfectly familiar with each other the mystery no more remains. With this, they lose an important thing which kept them glued to each others’ minds. They lose the curiosity. As a result they occupy less space in each others’ thinking and that would most likely facilitate other dynamics to run, which dilute romantic love eventually.
Mystery element in virtual relationships
This also explains why virtual relationships (over the internet and phone chats) thrive despite being long distance.
In the previous article I said that long distance relationships don’t last because a long distance situation robs the relationship of certain important elements that are required for sustaining the romantic feelings. A friend of mine threw this question that if so is the case, then how come people who have never even met each other, and thus have been in a long distance setting always, develop romantic love for each other on the first place. Good question it is. The answer to it lies in the mystery element. It thrives, and thrives very fast, because virtual situation offers the mystery element in a very high degree.
In conclusion, I would say that while it’s true that romantic feelings are negatively affected by the ending of mystery, it is also necessary for a true partnership (true love) to begin. A true partnership is much more than romantic love. A true partnership is possible only when the partners perfectly know and understand each other. In a true partnership the partners have good, rational, reasons to be with each other, which is not the case with purely romantic love. Hence, in purely romantic love when the mystery gets over, it’s negative; but the same is not true for a true partnership.
0 Comment(s):
Post a Comment
Please preview and double-check your comment before posting. Use proper formatting, i.e. do not use all caps or all small letters, no short forms like cud, dnt, lyk, b4 etc., use right punctuation,.. or the comment won't be approved. View full comment policy.