In the series of articles starting with this one I am going to cover romantic love and related issues.
Let's start with understanding what romantic love is.
Maybe it's unnecessary, but with the word "love" being used in so many senses, I think it is better if I clarify which love is meant by romantic love. Romantic love is a man-woman love; when one person wants another person of the opposite sex to be his/her life partner. That love is romantic love.
Some years ago my understanding of romantic love was that when a person "likes" another person beyond certain limit, for any reason, the mind starts wanting to be with that person all the time, and that's what it was. I just saw it as a heightened state of liking where the object of liking becomes an obsession.
Well, the obsession part is right though, but the knowledge and insights I gained over time since then about romantic love has changed my view of it substantially.
It's rather surprising now that in my previous understating of romantic love it never occurred to me to question that if romantic love essentially developed just out of plain liking for the person, then why would it happen with a person of the opposite sex only? We can like anybody to any extent, but we don't develop romantic love for the person of the same sex. (Homosexuals being the cases of hormonal balance are considered not normal, and are to be excluded.)
Romantic love is actually a work of our brain chemistry. There are certain chemicals in our brain that produce the magic we experience in romantic love. I won't go into the technicalities of the mechanism so as to keep this post simple. But the fact is that romantic love is essentially a mating drive. That means the reason why we feel what we feel in romantic love is that we are biologically wired to have that delusional experience, which in turn is intended for reproduction and mating. Nothing else. This also answers why romantic love happens with a person of the opposite sex only.
For reproduction Nature already has the mechanism in place, which is sexual desire. Mating is a broad set of functions apart from just reproduction. Mating involves taking care of an offspring also. The offspring would require care in its infancy period, and that requires the parents to be together.
While sexual desire would serve the purpose of reproduction, it wouldn't make the partners to stick with each other, which is necessary for the offspring's survival and security. We all know that sexual attraction has no limits. It happens wherever there is a sexually attractive object. That is not really conducive for the overall purpose of Nature. From the Nature's point of view, the resultant offspring must survive and grow to be healthy. Only then the reproduction is meaningful. This problem is solved by the mechanism of romantic love. Romantic love helps one to concentrate one's mating energy on a particular partner.
Thus, in the big picture romantic love is not exclusive of sexual act. But in a small picture both romantic love and sexual desire have their own roles. So, it is even possible that one is feeling romantic love for someone while the thought of sex doesn't cross one's mind. But the larger mechanism, of which romantic love is a part, is designed for mating alone.
Interestingly, there's no requirement of reason (rationality) in romantic love. Meaning, liking someone for certain qualities possessed by him/her isn't even necessary to fall in romantic love with that person. Of course, when one has developed romantic love for someone one gets a strong feeling that one likes that person. But that liking is not a good one, that is, not reason-based; and hence, not dependable. That liking can wane any time as soon as the chemical-induced magic in the brain wanes. Do you have an ex-lover about whom you are now wondering why on earth you fell in love with that person when you did, apparently because you don't like that person at all? Think about it.
You must have heard people say such things as they never realized how and why they developed feelings for this person. It's because often times we see no understandable reason for falling in love with the person we fall in love with. It just happens. Then there are those people who are deeply infatuated with someone they have not even spoken to once. Just by seeing someone they have developed the feelings. That's why the saying goes: Love knows no reasons. Do you not think that in order to really come to like a person you need to at least "know" that person?
If I talk about myself, I have had all sorts of experiences in romantic love. I have had love-at-first-sight experience. Then I have had deep feelings for someone just by seeing her and not knowing anything about her; so deep that it lasted four years; intense feelings, with no contact and no knowledge about her nature etc at all. It was very difficult to understand then what would cause such strong feelings. It's not surprising that people buy into phony explanations like "soul mates"!
Turns out, there's no rationality, no understandable reason behind romantic love. But there is an explanation about when and how the brain creates the feelings, which if understood can make life a lot easier.
We saw that the magic of romantic love is created by the chemicals in our brain. In order to create the feelings the brain obviously requires an image of a person of the opposite sex for whom to create the feelings. Does brain choose this image arbitrarily? No, it doesn't seem to be so. There are two criteria in place. It seems that the brain grabs on the image of the person who you have had "intimate fantasy" about. Intimate fantasy can be anything, sexual or otherwise. If in your imagination you spend what you would call intimate time with someone, that's what I mean here by intimate fantasy. For example, if you always wished to go boating with your partner because you love boating, then those are intimate moments for you. Now when you imagine doing with someone what you consider spending intimate moments (go boating here) then that's called having intimate fantasy about that person. Moreover, in certain cases the brain also sees to it that you have kept this person in your mind for comparatively more time than the other potential candidates, especially when you are having intimate fantasies about more than one person. The first criterion is stronger, though. Basically, your brain just needs a good sign from your mind, to choose from the images of the people of the opposite sex to create feelings for. Quite often a slightest sign to the brain suffices for it to tap the most powerful effects which can turn you into a slave.
The criteria I mentioned above are based on my own experiences and observations and are debatable. If we look at the first criteria, it says that if you have even a slight intimate fantasy about some person, your brain might grab on the image of that person and create the feelings, that is, if he/she is the only person you have thought about in that way. If there is more than one person you fantasize about then going by the second criteria your brain will see which person you keep in your mind for longer lime and choose that image. Though I have noticed such behavior of the brain through and through, and for myself at least I am nearly sure about it, I am not sure if there's scientific consensus about it. One might debate on the point that the brain arbitrarily decides who to have intimate fantasy about. It's a fair point of debate as to what happens first: We have an intimate fantasy first and then the brain creates feelings, or the brain creates feelings first and that makes us have an intimate fantasy; because we don't have such fantasy just about anyone. Are you the one to choose who to fantasize about? If you are choosing then there must be rational basis, for the process of choosing involves reason. But no, that doesn't happen because you do develop feelings for the person you know (rationally) isn't quite suitable for you. That means there's some mysterious force which is forcing our choice? If yes, then this force indeed remains mysterious. One explanation (accepted by science as a possibility) is that our genes decide about it.
So, at the very deep level it does remain a mystery as to what makes us choose the one we choose out of all people. But to contain romantic love in the bounds of our understanding, the two criteria I discussed above work fairly well. That is, 1) if you have an intimate fantasy about someone you are very likely to develop feelings for that person sooner or later, depending on whether that is the only person you are having such fantasy about. If you are having such fantasy about more than one person then 2) you are likely to have feelings for the one you keep in your mind for longer period of time. Note once again: What happens before this stage, that is, what induces our choice on the first place, that remains a (genetic) mystery.
In any case, what's the most important thing to be understood about romantic love is that it is far from rational. You might not have realized it, but its not being rational has one huge implication: Romantic love is not meant to last for as long as the person under the effect of romantic love would wish it to last. And the thoughts and feelings like meant-for-eachother, forever-partners, and soul-mates etc have no real (reason based) basis. These delusions, however, are essential for successful mating, and understandably so.
This concludes the basic understanding of romantic love.
In the following articles I am going to talk more about romantic love and related issues like sex, relationships, marriage etc, and we will explore the questions like –
If you would like me to talk about any issue related to romantic love then let me know about it.
Let's start with understanding what romantic love is.
What Is Romantic Love? And How Does It Work?
Maybe it's unnecessary, but with the word "love" being used in so many senses, I think it is better if I clarify which love is meant by romantic love. Romantic love is a man-woman love; when one person wants another person of the opposite sex to be his/her life partner. That love is romantic love.
Some years ago my understanding of romantic love was that when a person "likes" another person beyond certain limit, for any reason, the mind starts wanting to be with that person all the time, and that's what it was. I just saw it as a heightened state of liking where the object of liking becomes an obsession.
Well, the obsession part is right though, but the knowledge and insights I gained over time since then about romantic love has changed my view of it substantially.
It's rather surprising now that in my previous understating of romantic love it never occurred to me to question that if romantic love essentially developed just out of plain liking for the person, then why would it happen with a person of the opposite sex only? We can like anybody to any extent, but we don't develop romantic love for the person of the same sex. (Homosexuals being the cases of hormonal balance are considered not normal, and are to be excluded.)
Romantic love is actually a work of our brain chemistry. There are certain chemicals in our brain that produce the magic we experience in romantic love. I won't go into the technicalities of the mechanism so as to keep this post simple. But the fact is that romantic love is essentially a mating drive. That means the reason why we feel what we feel in romantic love is that we are biologically wired to have that delusional experience, which in turn is intended for reproduction and mating. Nothing else. This also answers why romantic love happens with a person of the opposite sex only.
Romantic Love Is a Mating Drive
For reproduction Nature already has the mechanism in place, which is sexual desire. Mating is a broad set of functions apart from just reproduction. Mating involves taking care of an offspring also. The offspring would require care in its infancy period, and that requires the parents to be together.
While sexual desire would serve the purpose of reproduction, it wouldn't make the partners to stick with each other, which is necessary for the offspring's survival and security. We all know that sexual attraction has no limits. It happens wherever there is a sexually attractive object. That is not really conducive for the overall purpose of Nature. From the Nature's point of view, the resultant offspring must survive and grow to be healthy. Only then the reproduction is meaningful. This problem is solved by the mechanism of romantic love. Romantic love helps one to concentrate one's mating energy on a particular partner.
Thus, in the big picture romantic love is not exclusive of sexual act. But in a small picture both romantic love and sexual desire have their own roles. So, it is even possible that one is feeling romantic love for someone while the thought of sex doesn't cross one's mind. But the larger mechanism, of which romantic love is a part, is designed for mating alone.
Irrationality In Romantic Love
Interestingly, there's no requirement of reason (rationality) in romantic love. Meaning, liking someone for certain qualities possessed by him/her isn't even necessary to fall in romantic love with that person. Of course, when one has developed romantic love for someone one gets a strong feeling that one likes that person. But that liking is not a good one, that is, not reason-based; and hence, not dependable. That liking can wane any time as soon as the chemical-induced magic in the brain wanes. Do you have an ex-lover about whom you are now wondering why on earth you fell in love with that person when you did, apparently because you don't like that person at all? Think about it.
You must have heard people say such things as they never realized how and why they developed feelings for this person. It's because often times we see no understandable reason for falling in love with the person we fall in love with. It just happens. Then there are those people who are deeply infatuated with someone they have not even spoken to once. Just by seeing someone they have developed the feelings. That's why the saying goes: Love knows no reasons. Do you not think that in order to really come to like a person you need to at least "know" that person?
If I talk about myself, I have had all sorts of experiences in romantic love. I have had love-at-first-sight experience. Then I have had deep feelings for someone just by seeing her and not knowing anything about her; so deep that it lasted four years; intense feelings, with no contact and no knowledge about her nature etc at all. It was very difficult to understand then what would cause such strong feelings. It's not surprising that people buy into phony explanations like "soul mates"!
Turns out, there's no rationality, no understandable reason behind romantic love. But there is an explanation about when and how the brain creates the feelings, which if understood can make life a lot easier.
When And How Brain Creates Romantic Feelings?
We saw that the magic of romantic love is created by the chemicals in our brain. In order to create the feelings the brain obviously requires an image of a person of the opposite sex for whom to create the feelings. Does brain choose this image arbitrarily? No, it doesn't seem to be so. There are two criteria in place. It seems that the brain grabs on the image of the person who you have had "intimate fantasy" about. Intimate fantasy can be anything, sexual or otherwise. If in your imagination you spend what you would call intimate time with someone, that's what I mean here by intimate fantasy. For example, if you always wished to go boating with your partner because you love boating, then those are intimate moments for you. Now when you imagine doing with someone what you consider spending intimate moments (go boating here) then that's called having intimate fantasy about that person. Moreover, in certain cases the brain also sees to it that you have kept this person in your mind for comparatively more time than the other potential candidates, especially when you are having intimate fantasies about more than one person. The first criterion is stronger, though. Basically, your brain just needs a good sign from your mind, to choose from the images of the people of the opposite sex to create feelings for. Quite often a slightest sign to the brain suffices for it to tap the most powerful effects which can turn you into a slave.
The criteria I mentioned above are based on my own experiences and observations and are debatable. If we look at the first criteria, it says that if you have even a slight intimate fantasy about some person, your brain might grab on the image of that person and create the feelings, that is, if he/she is the only person you have thought about in that way. If there is more than one person you fantasize about then going by the second criteria your brain will see which person you keep in your mind for longer lime and choose that image. Though I have noticed such behavior of the brain through and through, and for myself at least I am nearly sure about it, I am not sure if there's scientific consensus about it. One might debate on the point that the brain arbitrarily decides who to have intimate fantasy about. It's a fair point of debate as to what happens first: We have an intimate fantasy first and then the brain creates feelings, or the brain creates feelings first and that makes us have an intimate fantasy; because we don't have such fantasy just about anyone. Are you the one to choose who to fantasize about? If you are choosing then there must be rational basis, for the process of choosing involves reason. But no, that doesn't happen because you do develop feelings for the person you know (rationally) isn't quite suitable for you. That means there's some mysterious force which is forcing our choice? If yes, then this force indeed remains mysterious. One explanation (accepted by science as a possibility) is that our genes decide about it.
So, at the very deep level it does remain a mystery as to what makes us choose the one we choose out of all people. But to contain romantic love in the bounds of our understanding, the two criteria I discussed above work fairly well. That is, 1) if you have an intimate fantasy about someone you are very likely to develop feelings for that person sooner or later, depending on whether that is the only person you are having such fantasy about. If you are having such fantasy about more than one person then 2) you are likely to have feelings for the one you keep in your mind for longer period of time. Note once again: What happens before this stage, that is, what induces our choice on the first place, that remains a (genetic) mystery.
In any case, what's the most important thing to be understood about romantic love is that it is far from rational. You might not have realized it, but its not being rational has one huge implication: Romantic love is not meant to last for as long as the person under the effect of romantic love would wish it to last. And the thoughts and feelings like meant-for-eachother, forever-partners, and soul-mates etc have no real (reason based) basis. These delusions, however, are essential for successful mating, and understandably so.
This concludes the basic understanding of romantic love.
***
- How to make romantic love last long (possibly for life)
- How to easily fall out of love
- Why one should have enough sexual experiences before entering a marriage
- Why long distance relationships almost always fail
- Why opposites attract, etc.
If you would like me to talk about any issue related to romantic love then let me know about it.
Hi Darshan,
ReplyDeleteI wrote a response to this here:
What Is Romantic Love?
It is a great topic, and I look forward to more discussions on it!
Kitty
Dear Mr. Darshan Chande,
ReplyDeleteIt was really interesting to find and read your blog, especially your analysis of love ( I have however read only a small part of what you have written). I would have more comments however as for now I want to touch just one point namely what you write about “romantic love”. You qualify the “romantic love” simply as “mating drive”. While it is undoubtedly connected to sexual craving IMHO it is not as simple as it appears from your essay. I think that “mating drive”(lust) is something different from ”romantic love”(also called “limerence”). While the main goal in the case of lust is just satisfying the passion and release of semen”(in the case of males), in the case of “limerence” the foremost goal is gaining acceptance and reciprocation of the “limerent object”.
I think a good test would be the following. Let’s imagine a man is in love with a girl, and she offers him a quick sex but forbids hugs and kisses. If he has just sexual craving for her he will strive to have sex as soon as possible and will be fully satisfied with such state of things. Having satisfied his lust, he probably will lose interest for the girl – for good or temporarily, depending on circumstances. Yet if the man is “limerent” with the girl, most probably he will feel unhappy and unsatisfied with just a “quick sex”. For romantic couples, having sex very often comes as a culmination of a long series of love words, hugs and kisses, and romantic couples would even postpone the sexual act for the “next time” if they feel they are not yet sufficiently intimate. Also romantic couples, when they make love would often have not only foreplay but afterplay as well, it would be very important for them.
Thus IMHO “romantic love” is not simply mating drive although it is of course related to it.
//While the main goal in the case of lust is just satisfying the passion and release of semen”(in the case of males), in the case of “limerence” the foremost goal is gaining acceptance and reciprocation of the “limerent object”.//
DeleteAll that to what end?
Note my use of the term "mating drive" instead of "sex drive". If I had used the latter, your points are valid.
Mating includes reproduction, and caring for the offspring and its mother, for which the overall experience of limerence/romantic love is required; for without that the couple would have no incentive to stay together. This experience, however, is by nature temporal. The obsession, attachment, and euphoria of romantic love wanes after a while, and the modern day couple is then usually left with nothing but dissatisfaction, boredom and apathy towards each other, if they don't have "good reasons" (rational choice at the time of coming together) to be with each other. Hence, I talk about rational choice of partner for a relationship, and true love (which is rational liking characterized by genuine respect, empathy and compassion). More on love.
O yes if you understand "mating drive" in such sense then of course you are right.
DeleteThanks for clarifications.
The phenomenon that "love" vanishes and the only thing that could eventually remain is mutual care and companionship, of course is fairly well known, I think. Of course the relation based on mutual care and companionship would seem prosaic, cold and calculating for the most people, but perhaps it is the only thing that most of partnerships could strive.
But many infuatuated couples even if they understand that they are total mismatch often prefer short lived happiness to more rational decision to stifle everything in the bud.
Best Regards.
Don't you think the romantic chemicals decrease is the result of some boredom when one can not get something out of the other anymore ?
ReplyDeleteI think the chemicals are still produced as long as there is some benefits for the couple, hence the chemicals are the result/message of some psychological advantage.
I mean in transactionnal analysis they say partner chose a partner that fit in their life "mind game": for instance a woman who have some social anxiety is going to chose a guy who tend to be "dominnering" to rationalize the fact that she avoid anxiety arousing situations :" this is because of him that I can' t do this because he control me" while the guy actually just tend to protect her : "if this make you scared that is ok don't do it, stay with me because I am scared too when you are not here"
Basically, besides the genetic aspect that commands the mating drive there is a selection of partner who can play that life mind game .....apparently in order the rationalize some inadequacies, deficiencies etc as "ego protection"....which means that the other partner is used, exploited....
Also aren't everything we do based on good chemicals "craving" ?
I mean when you learn something when reading, your brain release dompamine, when you have a laught, when you have a good conversation, when you exercise, sing, write, learn.....I think everything...maybe even listening the silence and meditation....
Human are drug addict.
Also, why should romantic bond female-male have only ONE end ?
ReplyDeleteI agree with all you said, I am just requestionning all this...
Human hands are deisgned to put food in the mouth, build stuff but also play piano, violin...etc
What if "romantic love" has also the purpose to bring a relief from one own' s masculinity ( in males) and owns feminity ( females) ?
It is interesting subject, especially when we know many people ( especially males) have lost time, energy even life for a lie.....