This is a fourth article in the series about romantic love and related issues. Before reading this I recommend that you read the first, second and the third article.
Now about arranged marriage. Arranged marriages are an attempt to bring rationality into a relationship. We understood that romantic love at its core is irrational; however, by exercising some control on our mind and selecting a partner based on "good reasons" (i.e. rational choice) we can make the relationship last long. The concept of arranged marriages is formed for this very purpose. What the "good reasons" are, that I have talked about in the second article.
Romantic love is basically mating drive. And mating being a very important function from Nature's standpoint, Nature has made the drive very strong. Under the effect of romantic love people are often deluded into believing utterly stupid things (like, meant-for-eachother, soul-mate etc.) which actually serve towards creating a very strong attachment between the two persons. But the thing is, since all this has a definite purpose – which is mating – it is never meant to last long, much less forever. Strong attachment the partners initially feel under the effect of romantic love can wane anytime (and almost in all the cases it does). Once that happens the partners find themselves in shit if they don't have other, good, reasons to be together or are in the face of adversities which are the result of their being together. Such relationships then end up in a disaster.
Will give a couple of examples here —
1. Let's say there's this guy who developed liking for some girl. He ran the test I mentioned in the second article, and found that his liking isn't based on good reasons but is hormone-induced. Still, he did not stop thinking about the girl and eventually ended up developing intense romantic love for the girl. He proposed her, and she accepted. They got married. They find that they don't have similar tastes; nor do their thoughts and ideologies match. But at this time they both are under the effect of the magic, so everything feels great.
After a year, the magic starts to wane. Now they are no more obsessed with each other like they were before. So the differences in tastes and ideologies etc that were easily overlooked before, now surface. In the absence of the magic now they don't have that compelling force within them to be with each other all the time. They start needing their own space. Both start mingling with their other friends (again) more since they don't share each other's thoughts and passions. When this happens, it is the start of the collapse. If you have read the second article you will know why.
2. Here a guy and a girl are deeply in romantic love, for non-rational reasons, again. This time, say, their being together is also going to result in social hardships for them; because they don't have enough means to support themselves. But then they are deluded with the thoughts such as "love conquers all" etc. Of course, it's the biological force that gives them such a strong delusion and overconfidence; but because of it, they get into a marriage anyway.
A year later, the magic wanes. Now they struggle with their hardships. Their thoughts and ideologies don't match so they are already subject to the perils I mentioned in the first example; but in addition to that, they blame each other for screwing each other's lives. They regret the decision to get married.
I can give hundred examples with little changes here and there. It's to be understood that almost all romantic relationships (marriages) are doomed to this sort of fate, unless it is rationally entered into, which is very, very rarely seen.
I was never a proponent of arranged marriages. But after deeply understanding romantic love and the issues related to it, I am beginning to see the relevance of certain traditions. The tradition of arranged marriages is one of them.
When I say "arranged marriage", let me clarify that I don't necessarily mean the arranged marriages as they are carried out today in some of the conservative societies (like India). Like, where I live, arranged marriages also have social and financial interests, and even political interests, of the parents. I don't favor those arranged marriages. Then in some Islamic societies the two persons are not even allowed to see each other before the marriage is carried out; that, I think is a vicious form of arranged marriage. I don't favor those. These are exploitation of the concept of arranged marriage.
I mean arranged marriage in a broad and literal sense. It may be my personal definition, but I believe the fundamental idea in the tradition of arranged marriage is the same which I will talk about. Arranged, means that there is some rational thought and analysis involved in the decision to marry; that it is not blindly entered into just by force of biological/hormonal attraction, but is thoughtfully orchestrated/arranged.
In India, (looking at a case of good arranged marriage) when the parents choose a guy for their daughter they consider the guy's financial background, family history etc. Then they also allow the girl and the guy to get to know each other. And after that the decision is made. The purpose is to ensure protection of the marriage from the possible future adversities; because the romantic love magic is impermanent; so the precautions such as these ensure that the relationship faces as fewer adversities as possible; adversities which can break down the marriage in absence of strong romantic love magic.
By favoring the idea of arranged marriage I am not implying that the institution of arranged marriages is being used in an effective way. For the most part they also fail. But that is because despite the system, people themselves aren't mature. The concept and the structure are the facilitating mechanisms, but they by themselves can't give good results. The people who use the mechanism have to be intelligent and mature enough.
Anyway. This is just one form of arranged marriages. Since I mean "arranged marriage" in a broad sense, I would say even the marriages happening from matrimonial websites are arranged marriages; because there also, the "candidates" aren't in love already. They make suitable selection rationally, by matching profiles. Though I must say I have no idea how effectively it is being used by people.
In fact, any marriage which is entered into on rational basis is an arranged marriage. The important criterion is that reason is put before romantic love/biological impulses. It is a kind of maturity which is essential if the marriage is to last long. Even when there's no involvement of parents, and the guy and the girl have found themselves on their own, but are entering into a marriage by rational thought, it is an arranged marriage in a broadest sense. The reason why in almost all traditional forms of arranged marriage it's the parents who find the match is that individuals themselves can't be trusted to have the ability to make a rational decision, understandably, because high hormonal activity (resulting in impatience, rapid development of romantic feelings, sexual desperation etc) would make them prone to take irrational decisions.
If the couple is mature enough to understand the validity of it, arranged marriages (taken in a broadest sense) are certainly to be far more successful than love marriages. Purely love marriages, in fact, are a joke.
Just as I said above, it depends on the maturity of people. The more mature and understanding the persons involved, the more likely is the marriage to last long.
I am not saying that one should get into a marriage without romantic love. But at the same time, I would say that a true partnership is not all about romantic love. It's equally, if not more, about mutual understanding, and sharing of passions, joys and sorrows etc.
Besides, if you understand the romantic love mechanism well, you can see that it only requires that you accept the person positively. Once the person starts occupying space in your mind, and you start envisaging your life with that person, the brain chemistry will automatically take charge and create the feelings for the person. It's no big deal. That's the reason there are countless arranged marriages in places like India where the husbands and wives share good romantic relationship despite the fact that when they married they weren't in love.
This is an important point to note. In today's free-minded societies arranged marriages are increasingly less likely to work.
In a typical conservative Indian society, the success of arranged marriages owes itself to certain conditioning of the mind. A girl who is conditioned with traditional wisdom and values, and raised with a firm belief in arranged marriage, will likely have a successful marriage that way. Because after the marriage she will positively accept the person – because so is her conditioning – and as a result will develop romantic love for him, making the marriage complete.
As against this, a free-minded girl, when married through arranged marriage will not be able to positively accept the person on the first place, because she's not strongly conditioned to. Being free-minded she may feel wronged by having been married that way. Consequently, the romantic love won't develop and the marriage won't be fulfilling. Most arranged marriages today – even the well-intended ones – meet this fate. The reason: People have become intelligent, but not intelligent enough.
To conclude, purely love marriage is a hopeless venture. And for an arranged marriage to be successful, either the persons have to be strongly conditioned to believe in the validity of arranged marriages (which is nearly impossible in free-minded urban societies), or they have to be mature enough to recognize the validity of it. The in-betweens will fail, all the time. For the masses, conditioning more viable way; as for me, needless to mention, I favor maturity over conditioning.
Now about arranged marriage. Arranged marriages are an attempt to bring rationality into a relationship. We understood that romantic love at its core is irrational; however, by exercising some control on our mind and selecting a partner based on "good reasons" (i.e. rational choice) we can make the relationship last long. The concept of arranged marriages is formed for this very purpose. What the "good reasons" are, that I have talked about in the second article.
Romantic love is basically mating drive. And mating being a very important function from Nature's standpoint, Nature has made the drive very strong. Under the effect of romantic love people are often deluded into believing utterly stupid things (like, meant-for-eachother, soul-mate etc.) which actually serve towards creating a very strong attachment between the two persons. But the thing is, since all this has a definite purpose – which is mating – it is never meant to last long, much less forever. Strong attachment the partners initially feel under the effect of romantic love can wane anytime (and almost in all the cases it does). Once that happens the partners find themselves in shit if they don't have other, good, reasons to be together or are in the face of adversities which are the result of their being together. Such relationships then end up in a disaster.
Will give a couple of examples here —
1. Let's say there's this guy who developed liking for some girl. He ran the test I mentioned in the second article, and found that his liking isn't based on good reasons but is hormone-induced. Still, he did not stop thinking about the girl and eventually ended up developing intense romantic love for the girl. He proposed her, and she accepted. They got married. They find that they don't have similar tastes; nor do their thoughts and ideologies match. But at this time they both are under the effect of the magic, so everything feels great.
After a year, the magic starts to wane. Now they are no more obsessed with each other like they were before. So the differences in tastes and ideologies etc that were easily overlooked before, now surface. In the absence of the magic now they don't have that compelling force within them to be with each other all the time. They start needing their own space. Both start mingling with their other friends (again) more since they don't share each other's thoughts and passions. When this happens, it is the start of the collapse. If you have read the second article you will know why.
2. Here a guy and a girl are deeply in romantic love, for non-rational reasons, again. This time, say, their being together is also going to result in social hardships for them; because they don't have enough means to support themselves. But then they are deluded with the thoughts such as "love conquers all" etc. Of course, it's the biological force that gives them such a strong delusion and overconfidence; but because of it, they get into a marriage anyway.
A year later, the magic wanes. Now they struggle with their hardships. Their thoughts and ideologies don't match so they are already subject to the perils I mentioned in the first example; but in addition to that, they blame each other for screwing each other's lives. They regret the decision to get married.
I can give hundred examples with little changes here and there. It's to be understood that almost all romantic relationships (marriages) are doomed to this sort of fate, unless it is rationally entered into, which is very, very rarely seen.
What Is Arranged Marriage? And How Is It Better?
I was never a proponent of arranged marriages. But after deeply understanding romantic love and the issues related to it, I am beginning to see the relevance of certain traditions. The tradition of arranged marriages is one of them.
When I say "arranged marriage", let me clarify that I don't necessarily mean the arranged marriages as they are carried out today in some of the conservative societies (like India). Like, where I live, arranged marriages also have social and financial interests, and even political interests, of the parents. I don't favor those arranged marriages. Then in some Islamic societies the two persons are not even allowed to see each other before the marriage is carried out; that, I think is a vicious form of arranged marriage. I don't favor those. These are exploitation of the concept of arranged marriage.
I mean arranged marriage in a broad and literal sense. It may be my personal definition, but I believe the fundamental idea in the tradition of arranged marriage is the same which I will talk about. Arranged, means that there is some rational thought and analysis involved in the decision to marry; that it is not blindly entered into just by force of biological/hormonal attraction, but is thoughtfully orchestrated/arranged.
In India, (looking at a case of good arranged marriage) when the parents choose a guy for their daughter they consider the guy's financial background, family history etc. Then they also allow the girl and the guy to get to know each other. And after that the decision is made. The purpose is to ensure protection of the marriage from the possible future adversities; because the romantic love magic is impermanent; so the precautions such as these ensure that the relationship faces as fewer adversities as possible; adversities which can break down the marriage in absence of strong romantic love magic.
By favoring the idea of arranged marriage I am not implying that the institution of arranged marriages is being used in an effective way. For the most part they also fail. But that is because despite the system, people themselves aren't mature. The concept and the structure are the facilitating mechanisms, but they by themselves can't give good results. The people who use the mechanism have to be intelligent and mature enough.
Anyway. This is just one form of arranged marriages. Since I mean "arranged marriage" in a broad sense, I would say even the marriages happening from matrimonial websites are arranged marriages; because there also, the "candidates" aren't in love already. They make suitable selection rationally, by matching profiles. Though I must say I have no idea how effectively it is being used by people.
In fact, any marriage which is entered into on rational basis is an arranged marriage. The important criterion is that reason is put before romantic love/biological impulses. It is a kind of maturity which is essential if the marriage is to last long. Even when there's no involvement of parents, and the guy and the girl have found themselves on their own, but are entering into a marriage by rational thought, it is an arranged marriage in a broadest sense. The reason why in almost all traditional forms of arranged marriage it's the parents who find the match is that individuals themselves can't be trusted to have the ability to make a rational decision, understandably, because high hormonal activity (resulting in impatience, rapid development of romantic feelings, sexual desperation etc) would make them prone to take irrational decisions.
If the couple is mature enough to understand the validity of it, arranged marriages (taken in a broadest sense) are certainly to be far more successful than love marriages. Purely love marriages, in fact, are a joke.
Do Arranged Marriages Work? And What About Love?
Just as I said above, it depends on the maturity of people. The more mature and understanding the persons involved, the more likely is the marriage to last long.
I am not saying that one should get into a marriage without romantic love. But at the same time, I would say that a true partnership is not all about romantic love. It's equally, if not more, about mutual understanding, and sharing of passions, joys and sorrows etc.
Besides, if you understand the romantic love mechanism well, you can see that it only requires that you accept the person positively. Once the person starts occupying space in your mind, and you start envisaging your life with that person, the brain chemistry will automatically take charge and create the feelings for the person. It's no big deal. That's the reason there are countless arranged marriages in places like India where the husbands and wives share good romantic relationship despite the fact that when they married they weren't in love.
Arranged Marriages in Modern Societies
This is an important point to note. In today's free-minded societies arranged marriages are increasingly less likely to work.
In a typical conservative Indian society, the success of arranged marriages owes itself to certain conditioning of the mind. A girl who is conditioned with traditional wisdom and values, and raised with a firm belief in arranged marriage, will likely have a successful marriage that way. Because after the marriage she will positively accept the person – because so is her conditioning – and as a result will develop romantic love for him, making the marriage complete.
As against this, a free-minded girl, when married through arranged marriage will not be able to positively accept the person on the first place, because she's not strongly conditioned to. Being free-minded she may feel wronged by having been married that way. Consequently, the romantic love won't develop and the marriage won't be fulfilling. Most arranged marriages today – even the well-intended ones – meet this fate. The reason: People have become intelligent, but not intelligent enough.
To conclude, purely love marriage is a hopeless venture. And for an arranged marriage to be successful, either the persons have to be strongly conditioned to believe in the validity of arranged marriages (which is nearly impossible in free-minded urban societies), or they have to be mature enough to recognize the validity of it. The in-betweens will fail, all the time. For the masses, conditioning more viable way; as for me, needless to mention, I favor maturity over conditioning.
i agree with your views.. but arranged marriages are risky too.. some times the opposite person might be literally a "bad person".. we dont get time to know that person, so a rational decision cant be arrived at..
ReplyDeletei personally think arranged marriages are benefital to men, whereas love marriages are benefitial for women..
The whole tradation including love marriage is designed keeping in mind the comfort of men..
Hi Darshan,
ReplyDelete"In today’s free-minded societies arranged marriages are increasingly less likely to work."
This is exactly right, and the reasons behind it are interesting to consider...somewhere in all our discussions, I said something about romantic love not being around until the Middle Ages. I wasn't quite right about that. Romantic love has always been around, but wasn't considered a valid emotion until Enlightenment ideas--essentially, that a man should be a free moral agent in charge of his own life--took hold (in Western culture, anyway). Thus, when people began to consider themselves in charge of their own lives, they also began to fall in love, believing they had the right to choose their own lifelong partner.
Just thought that was interesting...kind of humorous that the same philosophical movement responsible for "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" is also behind the freedom to pursue romantic love. Kind of makes sense though, doesn't it?
Anyway, thanks for an interesting article!
Kitty
Its a very interesting article, made me happy that love does exist in an arranged marriage.
ReplyDeleteI too had an arranged marriage where it was decided by our parents and we did get to talk to each other before being committed. I fell in love with him but I'm unable to express my feelings for him, after finding out that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. He says he does like me and cares for me, and he needs time to move on with me. It hurts me a alot but I am willing to give him time. All I'm saying is that an arranged marriage is full of difficulties, especially for the woman. She seems to give in at every point. Its the woman who always seems to compromise.
I never had an arranged marriage. But it might as well have been. I fell very ill many years ago, was out of work and out of desperation proposed to my friend 8 years ago. The marriage has never been consummated and for almost all these years I have been desperately unhappy but did not have the financial means to leave him. I ended up having several nervous breakdowns. I now have come to accept my fate. I have made the decision to be happy and to count my blessings.
ReplyDelete