This is a second article in the series about romantic love and related issues. To get the basic understanding of romantic love refer to the first article: What Is Romantic Love? And How Does It Work?
We understood in the previous article that romantic love is at its core irrational. That means it doesn't require the permission of reason to happen. But that doesn't mean it can't happen with reason.
We saw that romantic feelings develop when one starts having intimate fantasies about the person and/or keeps the person in one's mind for a sufficiently long time. What makes one "choose" the parson one chooses out of all, that remains a mystery, possibly a genetic one. There could be any reason for this choice, which eludes our understanding. One just feels that one likes the person and one allows the romantic love mechanism to take its course. The "liking" can be rational and non-rational.
I have seen it, and can tell with absolute certainty, that most of the times romantic love is based on non-rational liking. That means there's no understandable reason for liking the person you like. Such liking is hormone-induced liking. Maybe, your genes have caused the attraction based on some genetic criteria (though it's still open to research). Basically, in this case you feel that you like this person, but don't have good or strong enough, or understandable reason.
This type of liking can wane without your control. It's only because of the brain chemistry. When you are crushing on someone you like that person intensely, but see it after the crush gets over; you'll know what I mean.
It is also possible – though less often seen – that you are thinking about some person for good reasons. Like, because you have common thoughts and interests, share a passion etc. Reasons such as these are good reasons for which you have given this person space in your mind. And once the person gets a space in your mind, and it fulfills the criteria required for romantic love (read the previous article to know the criteria), it's not surprising if the feelings come along.
This liking is doubtless to remain as long as the reasons remain. Hence, the relationship based on rational choice of person is naturally more likely to last long.
If you want to know whether your liking for this person (of the opposite sex) is real/rational or hormone-induced, just ask yourself whether you would be close friends if the two of you were the same sex. If the answer is "yes" then that means you have the backing of reason in your love, so that's more secure. Because then when, and if at all, the hormone-induced liking starts to wane, you will still have good reasons to stick with the person you chose. In fact, these reasons can be the very thing you can "use" to make your romantic love last for as long as you two wish. I will come back to it in a while.
On the other hand, if the answer of the test is "no" then you know there's no good reason for being with this person already. The attraction is only hormone-induced. Not in your control. If because of the magical experience you got into a relationship with this person, that relationship will only be dependent on the brain chemistry, instead of reasons. Now think: When you don't have good enough reasons to like this person, isn't it understandable that you will not have as healthy a relationship with the person as it would have been had there been good reasons for liking the person? The problems show up when practicality enters. Most of such relationships end up in frequent fights, arguments and resentments. When the relationship gets tensed both the persons naturally look to other people to share their thoughts and feelings with. They make intimate friends outside of their relationship. Consequently, other people, apart from the partner, start occupying space in the mind, and the result can be devastating for the relationship, simply because the chemicals will do their job again. The feelings can most likely get diverted elsewhere to another person.
If you want to make your romantic love relationship last long then you must see to it that you have good enough reasons to be in a relationship with the person you are developing feelings for. I am not saying that you don't heed the romantic magic and go only by reason. But when you notice that your mind is getting stuck on some person, be aware that it's the start of the magic. If you go on thinking about this person then you are in for intense romantic love experience. So, at this stage, stop and run the test I mentioned above. If you find that it's only hormone-based liking then come out of it before it gets uncontrollable. You can definitely choose not to think about that person. That way you can consciously avoid falling in love where there's no good reason for it. Because if you went ahead with it, you know it can only be short-term.
On the other hand, if you see that there are good reasons for being with this person apart from the hormone-based liking (i.e. if the result of the test is "yes"), then go for it. Because then the relationship obviously will have strong basis and therefore is not only likely to last longer than just hormone-based love, but also will be more fun.
Good reasons can be common interests, common passions, matching thoughts etc. Physical appearance, no doubt, is a very important reason, but that alone does not constitute a good reason in my view. Most important is that the thinking matches.
A few years back I would have said "no" to it. But I think after thoroughly understanding how romantic love mechanism works, it is possible if both the persons will and work for it. However, note that life long thing is not meant-to-be or anything. I do not believe in soul-mates theory; that's just as true as fairy-tales! Besides, I think "life long" is too heavy a word. We will rather call it "long-lasting" instead. Then of course it depends on the persons involved how long lasting is "long-lasting". To say the least, it requires a very high level of maturity to handle the practicalities in a relationship. Even after understanding all that I have covered here, and even with the best start and the best intentions, if the persons involved are not mature enough, then nothing can help. I am keeping the maturity issue apart because it is another huge topic. In context of this article, let's say the couple is mature enough.
For a successful long-lasting romantic love relationship, both the persons must have the understanding of romantic love mechanism. That's the first and foremost condition. And then there are some other conditions to be fulfilled, like –
These are not all. But if you understand why these are important, then you can automatically figure out the other conditions that must be fulfilled.
In today's free and open-minded society these may look like undue restrictions. But they are not. If you understand romantic love mechanism then it should not be difficult to see why these "restrictions" are necessary.
You might say, but why can't we make friends with other people? It's because if you make friends with other people of the opposite sex, then it is quite possible that you find some of them interesting and if by any chance you allowed the romantic love mechanism to run on any of them (i.e. had a fantasy, or gave someone a space in your mind for any reason), it will likely disrupt your flow of feelings for your partner – before you know it. It happens even without slightest intention. For example, if at work you are spending nine hours everyday in company of your colleague of the opposite sex, then it's only natural that he/she occupies a space in your mind. Quite often, even that is sufficient to cause a disaster in the brain. Sadly, it is very hard to control once it starts happening. It's a very, very risky business; because the chemicals in the brain will always be active, and will work by the same principles always. Whenever the criteria are met, they will create the feelings for the person meeting the criteria. They won't know that you are already into a relationship! That's why both the persons have to make sure that they don't allow any other person to fill the criteria, ever. If they maintained this, there's no reason why any romantic love relationship shouldn't be long-lasting.
This is based on one big assumption that the said relationship has a rational basis to start with. If the relationship does not have good reasons to be on the first place, or the reasons no more remain with time, then again it is prone to failure. For example, at the start of the relationship you had good reasons, like common interests and passions etc, but over the time the interests and passions and thoughts of either of you changed; then the relationship is again subject to all the perils of a non-rational relationship.
To summarize, for a successful romantic love relationship 1) both the persons should have perfect understanding of romantic love mechanism, 2) they should make sure that their relationship has a rational basis, and 3) after knowing thoroughly the romantic love mechanism, and the importance of romantic love and relationship in life, they should be willing to make some efforts by way of observing the so-called restrictions.
In the following articles I will touch on some more issues related to romantic love. If you would like me to talk about any issue then let me know about it.
We understood in the previous article that romantic love is at its core irrational. That means it doesn't require the permission of reason to happen. But that doesn't mean it can't happen with reason.
We saw that romantic feelings develop when one starts having intimate fantasies about the person and/or keeps the person in one's mind for a sufficiently long time. What makes one "choose" the parson one chooses out of all, that remains a mystery, possibly a genetic one. There could be any reason for this choice, which eludes our understanding. One just feels that one likes the person and one allows the romantic love mechanism to take its course. The "liking" can be rational and non-rational.
Non-rational liking
I have seen it, and can tell with absolute certainty, that most of the times romantic love is based on non-rational liking. That means there's no understandable reason for liking the person you like. Such liking is hormone-induced liking. Maybe, your genes have caused the attraction based on some genetic criteria (though it's still open to research). Basically, in this case you feel that you like this person, but don't have good or strong enough, or understandable reason.
This type of liking can wane without your control. It's only because of the brain chemistry. When you are crushing on someone you like that person intensely, but see it after the crush gets over; you'll know what I mean.
Rational liking
It is also possible – though less often seen – that you are thinking about some person for good reasons. Like, because you have common thoughts and interests, share a passion etc. Reasons such as these are good reasons for which you have given this person space in your mind. And once the person gets a space in your mind, and it fulfills the criteria required for romantic love (read the previous article to know the criteria), it's not surprising if the feelings come along.
This liking is doubtless to remain as long as the reasons remain. Hence, the relationship based on rational choice of person is naturally more likely to last long.
How to know if your liking is rational or non-rational?
If you want to know whether your liking for this person (of the opposite sex) is real/rational or hormone-induced, just ask yourself whether you would be close friends if the two of you were the same sex. If the answer is "yes" then that means you have the backing of reason in your love, so that's more secure. Because then when, and if at all, the hormone-induced liking starts to wane, you will still have good reasons to stick with the person you chose. In fact, these reasons can be the very thing you can "use" to make your romantic love last for as long as you two wish. I will come back to it in a while.
On the other hand, if the answer of the test is "no" then you know there's no good reason for being with this person already. The attraction is only hormone-induced. Not in your control. If because of the magical experience you got into a relationship with this person, that relationship will only be dependent on the brain chemistry, instead of reasons. Now think: When you don't have good enough reasons to like this person, isn't it understandable that you will not have as healthy a relationship with the person as it would have been had there been good reasons for liking the person? The problems show up when practicality enters. Most of such relationships end up in frequent fights, arguments and resentments. When the relationship gets tensed both the persons naturally look to other people to share their thoughts and feelings with. They make intimate friends outside of their relationship. Consequently, other people, apart from the partner, start occupying space in the mind, and the result can be devastating for the relationship, simply because the chemicals will do their job again. The feelings can most likely get diverted elsewhere to another person.
How to make romantic love last long?
If you want to make your romantic love relationship last long then you must see to it that you have good enough reasons to be in a relationship with the person you are developing feelings for. I am not saying that you don't heed the romantic magic and go only by reason. But when you notice that your mind is getting stuck on some person, be aware that it's the start of the magic. If you go on thinking about this person then you are in for intense romantic love experience. So, at this stage, stop and run the test I mentioned above. If you find that it's only hormone-based liking then come out of it before it gets uncontrollable. You can definitely choose not to think about that person. That way you can consciously avoid falling in love where there's no good reason for it. Because if you went ahead with it, you know it can only be short-term.
On the other hand, if you see that there are good reasons for being with this person apart from the hormone-based liking (i.e. if the result of the test is "yes"), then go for it. Because then the relationship obviously will have strong basis and therefore is not only likely to last longer than just hormone-based love, but also will be more fun.
What are the good (rational) reasons, by the way?
Good reasons can be common interests, common passions, matching thoughts etc. Physical appearance, no doubt, is a very important reason, but that alone does not constitute a good reason in my view. Most important is that the thinking matches.
Is life long relationship possible?
A few years back I would have said "no" to it. But I think after thoroughly understanding how romantic love mechanism works, it is possible if both the persons will and work for it. However, note that life long thing is not meant-to-be or anything. I do not believe in soul-mates theory; that's just as true as fairy-tales! Besides, I think "life long" is too heavy a word. We will rather call it "long-lasting" instead. Then of course it depends on the persons involved how long lasting is "long-lasting". To say the least, it requires a very high level of maturity to handle the practicalities in a relationship. Even after understanding all that I have covered here, and even with the best start and the best intentions, if the persons involved are not mature enough, then nothing can help. I am keeping the maturity issue apart because it is another huge topic. In context of this article, let's say the couple is mature enough.
For a successful long-lasting romantic love relationship, both the persons must have the understanding of romantic love mechanism. That's the first and foremost condition. And then there are some other conditions to be fulfilled, like –
- After entering the relationship it is necessary for both persons to make each other their world.
- They have to avoid intimate friendships with other people, of the opposite sex, especially.
- In any case, they should never give any other person of the opposite sex a space in their mind, for any reason.
- There's absolutely no place for extra-marital sex.
- Living away from each other for any reason is strictly to be avoided.
These are not all. But if you understand why these are important, then you can automatically figure out the other conditions that must be fulfilled.
In today's free and open-minded society these may look like undue restrictions. But they are not. If you understand romantic love mechanism then it should not be difficult to see why these "restrictions" are necessary.
You might say, but why can't we make friends with other people? It's because if you make friends with other people of the opposite sex, then it is quite possible that you find some of them interesting and if by any chance you allowed the romantic love mechanism to run on any of them (i.e. had a fantasy, or gave someone a space in your mind for any reason), it will likely disrupt your flow of feelings for your partner – before you know it. It happens even without slightest intention. For example, if at work you are spending nine hours everyday in company of your colleague of the opposite sex, then it's only natural that he/she occupies a space in your mind. Quite often, even that is sufficient to cause a disaster in the brain. Sadly, it is very hard to control once it starts happening. It's a very, very risky business; because the chemicals in the brain will always be active, and will work by the same principles always. Whenever the criteria are met, they will create the feelings for the person meeting the criteria. They won't know that you are already into a relationship! That's why both the persons have to make sure that they don't allow any other person to fill the criteria, ever. If they maintained this, there's no reason why any romantic love relationship shouldn't be long-lasting.
This is based on one big assumption that the said relationship has a rational basis to start with. If the relationship does not have good reasons to be on the first place, or the reasons no more remain with time, then again it is prone to failure. For example, at the start of the relationship you had good reasons, like common interests and passions etc, but over the time the interests and passions and thoughts of either of you changed; then the relationship is again subject to all the perils of a non-rational relationship.
To summarize, for a successful romantic love relationship 1) both the persons should have perfect understanding of romantic love mechanism, 2) they should make sure that their relationship has a rational basis, and 3) after knowing thoroughly the romantic love mechanism, and the importance of romantic love and relationship in life, they should be willing to make some efforts by way of observing the so-called restrictions.
In the following articles I will touch on some more issues related to romantic love. If you would like me to talk about any issue then let me know about it.
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