This is a third article in the series about romantic love and related issues. Before reading this I recommend that you read the first and the second article.
In the previous article I wrote about how to make romantic love relationship last long. So this article may come as a surprise. But we know that often times romantic love can be a very tormenting experience, for numerous reasons I needn't even mention. Some times one desperately needs to fall out of love to regain one's health.
Strong as those feelings are, it's not easy to fall out of romantic love; and there's a reason for that. We understood that romantic love serves a very important purpose – of mating. More important the purpose, stronger has to be the mechanism in place to carry it out. That's Nature's way to keep the world going. Reproduction and mating are two of the most important functions. Hence the mechanisms in place for these purposes – sexual desire and romantic love – both are very strong in us. And that's what makes it difficult to fall out of romantic love.
By understanding the romantic love mechanism, however, we can make it easier than it would otherwise be.
First I would like to break the delusion that makes one not want to get of out romantic love.
When in romantic love one often feels that this love is meant to be; or this person is his soul-mate. Such beliefs develop partly because we always hear things such as these, so people sort of get conditioned (brainwashed) into believing it; and partly because the effect of romantic love also is so strong that the mind just wants to believe that this person is "the one".
It's a joke of Nature, I must say. Because funnily, every time one is in love one feels the same way. Apparently, it's a delusion of the mind. There's no one who is "the one". No two people are "meant to be" together. We just choose to be together, and it can be with anyone and at anytime.
This has to be understood and kept well in mind.
Now, there can be many reasons why one would want to fall out of love. Unfavorable circumstances, non-reciprocation of feelings, infidelity and heartbreak, etc. Whatever the reason, the process to fall out of the torment is the same.
You know, in case of heartbreak especially we often hear people say that "time heals". Well, of course, it heals with time. But here's the thing: It's not the time per se that heals, but the things that happen with passage of time that do. If we know these things then we can speed up the process. Healing is the word used in case of heartbreak. But it means the same thing as falling out of love. So, what is it? Let's look into it.
First you have to understand what causes romantic love and how the mechanism works. Understanding of the romantic love mechanism makes it much easier to manipulate with it. Don't take the word manipulation in wrong sense. We try to manipulate things in our mind all the time. What I am telling here now is to do it more consciously. So yes, we have already understood that romantic love happens with meeting of two main criteria: 1) Having intimate fantasies about the person, and 2) keeping the person in the mind for sufficiently long period of time. All the things said below are basically the ways to prevent the above two things from happening.
Here we go –
1) Stop having intimate fantasies about the person of fixation. In no case you should be thinking of the person as your partner romantically. It's easier said than done. But it's not impossible.
2) Do not overly think about the person. Limit the time and space the person occupies in your mind. This and the one above are two direct ways to get rid of romantic love. Even when they say "time heals" it's precisely this that the time does. You just have to do it consciously to speed up the process.
If he/she is your friend then you don't necessarily have to cut off from the person. But just take it as ordinary relationship. Treat the person like you treat your other friends. Think about the person just as much as you think about your other friends.
3) Well, and if you can't do what I said in the above point then it may do good to stay away from the person till the commotion in your mind is over. If you are good at handling it, however, that won't be necessary.
4) Now here's the indirect ways. Mingle with other people of the opposite sex. If you are good at flirting, flirt. Give other people, especially of the opposite sex, a chance to come close to you. Never turn down an opportunity of spending nice/intimate time with them. You never know, when the two criteria (plus the genetic one) are met by some other person your romantic feelings will automatically get diverted.
But here's the catch: This can be risky if you don't want to be in love again at all. In that case just know where to stop. Once you get the first person (the one who you want to get rid of) out of your mind, chuck the whole business; that is, stop having romantic thoughts/fantasies about anyone. If you just have good control and know where to stop, this is the most effective way – more than you might imagine.
5) Do the things that you love doing. Dive into your passions. If you have some known talent like, writing, photography, painting etc, start doing it. Then share it with people who appreciate it. Be creative and do everything that's refreshing to the mind.
It's said that idle mind is a devil's workshop. Indeed, when your mind hasn't anything exciting to do, it will have more reasons to run to the person you want to get rid of, and that will put you through the torment. Give your mind exciting occupation.
I will add more ways as they strike me. I have tested these enough times that I am sure that they work well.
It may sound funny and even unethical (though I don't know why it should) to tinker in this way with romantic love. Maybe because people believe whatever happens naturally is meant to happen, and shouldn't be interfered. I too held that belief, but not anymore. If you gave way to all natural impulses then there will remain no difference between you and a beast. Nature is brutal. Besides, intelligence is also given by Nature. Why not use it then? Think it over.
In the following articles there's more to come about romantic love and related issues. If you would like me to talk about any issue then let me know about it.
In the previous article I wrote about how to make romantic love relationship last long. So this article may come as a surprise. But we know that often times romantic love can be a very tormenting experience, for numerous reasons I needn't even mention. Some times one desperately needs to fall out of love to regain one's health.
Strong as those feelings are, it's not easy to fall out of romantic love; and there's a reason for that. We understood that romantic love serves a very important purpose – of mating. More important the purpose, stronger has to be the mechanism in place to carry it out. That's Nature's way to keep the world going. Reproduction and mating are two of the most important functions. Hence the mechanisms in place for these purposes – sexual desire and romantic love – both are very strong in us. And that's what makes it difficult to fall out of romantic love.
By understanding the romantic love mechanism, however, we can make it easier than it would otherwise be.
First I would like to break the delusion that makes one not want to get of out romantic love.
There's no one whose is "meant-to-be" or "soul-mate" or "the one"
When in romantic love one often feels that this love is meant to be; or this person is his soul-mate. Such beliefs develop partly because we always hear things such as these, so people sort of get conditioned (brainwashed) into believing it; and partly because the effect of romantic love also is so strong that the mind just wants to believe that this person is "the one".
It's a joke of Nature, I must say. Because funnily, every time one is in love one feels the same way. Apparently, it's a delusion of the mind. There's no one who is "the one". No two people are "meant to be" together. We just choose to be together, and it can be with anyone and at anytime.
This has to be understood and kept well in mind.
Now, there can be many reasons why one would want to fall out of love. Unfavorable circumstances, non-reciprocation of feelings, infidelity and heartbreak, etc. Whatever the reason, the process to fall out of the torment is the same.
You know, in case of heartbreak especially we often hear people say that "time heals". Well, of course, it heals with time. But here's the thing: It's not the time per se that heals, but the things that happen with passage of time that do. If we know these things then we can speed up the process. Healing is the word used in case of heartbreak. But it means the same thing as falling out of love. So, what is it? Let's look into it.
How to Easily Fall Out of Romantic Love?
First you have to understand what causes romantic love and how the mechanism works. Understanding of the romantic love mechanism makes it much easier to manipulate with it. Don't take the word manipulation in wrong sense. We try to manipulate things in our mind all the time. What I am telling here now is to do it more consciously. So yes, we have already understood that romantic love happens with meeting of two main criteria: 1) Having intimate fantasies about the person, and 2) keeping the person in the mind for sufficiently long period of time. All the things said below are basically the ways to prevent the above two things from happening.
Here we go –
1) Stop having intimate fantasies about the person of fixation. In no case you should be thinking of the person as your partner romantically. It's easier said than done. But it's not impossible.
2) Do not overly think about the person. Limit the time and space the person occupies in your mind. This and the one above are two direct ways to get rid of romantic love. Even when they say "time heals" it's precisely this that the time does. You just have to do it consciously to speed up the process.
If he/she is your friend then you don't necessarily have to cut off from the person. But just take it as ordinary relationship. Treat the person like you treat your other friends. Think about the person just as much as you think about your other friends.
3) Well, and if you can't do what I said in the above point then it may do good to stay away from the person till the commotion in your mind is over. If you are good at handling it, however, that won't be necessary.
4) Now here's the indirect ways. Mingle with other people of the opposite sex. If you are good at flirting, flirt. Give other people, especially of the opposite sex, a chance to come close to you. Never turn down an opportunity of spending nice/intimate time with them. You never know, when the two criteria (plus the genetic one) are met by some other person your romantic feelings will automatically get diverted.
But here's the catch: This can be risky if you don't want to be in love again at all. In that case just know where to stop. Once you get the first person (the one who you want to get rid of) out of your mind, chuck the whole business; that is, stop having romantic thoughts/fantasies about anyone. If you just have good control and know where to stop, this is the most effective way – more than you might imagine.
5) Do the things that you love doing. Dive into your passions. If you have some known talent like, writing, photography, painting etc, start doing it. Then share it with people who appreciate it. Be creative and do everything that's refreshing to the mind.
It's said that idle mind is a devil's workshop. Indeed, when your mind hasn't anything exciting to do, it will have more reasons to run to the person you want to get rid of, and that will put you through the torment. Give your mind exciting occupation.
I will add more ways as they strike me. I have tested these enough times that I am sure that they work well.
It may sound funny and even unethical (though I don't know why it should) to tinker in this way with romantic love. Maybe because people believe whatever happens naturally is meant to happen, and shouldn't be interfered. I too held that belief, but not anymore. If you gave way to all natural impulses then there will remain no difference between you and a beast. Nature is brutal. Besides, intelligence is also given by Nature. Why not use it then? Think it over.
In the following articles there's more to come about romantic love and related issues. If you would like me to talk about any issue then let me know about it.
Hi Darshan,
ReplyDeleteYears ago, a friend told me that "the best way to fall out of love was to fall back in." :) Maybe some of the worst advice I ever had.
I particularly liked your number 5-do the things you love doing. Not only will it get your mind off your misery, but you will be taking very good care of yourself as well. In my experience, following your own bliss is the way to create a happy life, and also the best way to find a true partner--especially when you're not looking for one! Finding a happy relationship should be icing on the cake and not the focus of one's existence, which will only make you miserable.
Good article, thanks for writing it!
Kitty