I believe that the desire to have a child is not innate but is society-induced. I will take up the major arguments for the desire being innate, give my explanations as to how they are not right, and also tell what I think brings on this particular desire.
Many people believe that it's natural for a woman to have the desire to have a child because Nature has created men and women to multiply and it is through a woman that it becomes possible. It is through a woman that the next generation would be born. They believe the desire to be innate for the purpose of inducing reproduction. On similar grounds many people also claim that having two different sexes is a very strong indication of the main idea of reproduction.
Explanation: I think what we fail to see here is that there's already a mechanism in place to induce reproduction. That mechanism is the "sexual desire". In the previous article I talked about why there is pleasure in sex. Pleasure is an incentive Nature has placed in sex to make sure we have it. It means that if sex was not pleasurable then people would not have it. Because they wouldn't know on the first place why they have to have it. Consequently, reproduction wouldn't happen. So, to solve the problem Nature put pleasure in sex to encourage animals to have it. This way Nature has served its purpose of reproduction.
If there was innate motivation to have a child then there was no need for sex to be pleasurable. People should be having sex anyway.
Hence the question whether the desire to have a child is innate or it's just like the desire to have a pet, or the desire to own any other object, for that matter, which are undoubtedly the desires induced by the social design.
This is the weakest argument in my opinion for the desire being innate. Some people, especially women, put forth the following argument quite often to prove the desire to be innate. They say –
A woman knows that during labor there is immense pain and yet she goes through it just to have a beautiful baby in her arms at the end of it. The whole idea of a new life is wonderful in itself!
Explanation: The readiness to endure pain and hardship (of whatever nature and however big) in order to have something doesn't mean that the desire is innate. For example, for their desire to create records people endure many types of crazy hardships and pains. You must have seen them in Guinness World Records and such other shows. Their readiness to take upon pain does not mean that their desire to create records is innate. That desire is because of the social design. And the idea of creating a world record is also wonderful. Such expressions are subjective.
From my online studies and the conversations I have had with people around me I have seen one more thing which makes people think in favor of the desire being innate. It is the phenomenon of "mothering".
Mothering refers to the parental behavior of taking care of an offspring. The point these people make is this: Animals also mother. If they didn't mother then right after birth they would just abandon their young ones, which they don't. And since they are not affected by the society their desire to mother can not be society-induced.
Explanation: I would like to draw a difference between the "desire to mother" and the "desire to have a child".
Of course, animals also mother. And mothering is not society-induced. But the desire to have a child is not the same as the desire to mother. The behavior of taking care of an offspring (i.e. mothering) is directed by certain hormones which are produced in the body "post pregnancy". Just like secretion of milk in mother's breasts does not happen with "will" but by production of certain hormones after pregnancy. This behavior is not even permanent in the animals concerned. It disappears when the production of hormones ceases.
Just as Nature designed sex to serve its purpose of reproduction, the behavior of mothering is also Nature's way of securing safety of the offspring until it becomes capable to survive independently in the natural environment.
As it turns out, animals – including humans – reproduce (procreate) because of the desire created by the hormones of sex. And as for mothering, it's altogether post-pregnancy thing, that too only for a short while. Note that the "desire to have a child" is neither the "desire for sex" nor the "desire for mothering".
The question still stands.
Here's my answer –
Humans today have various society-induced needs as that of security, love, esteem, and most importantly, meaningfulness. People largely attach their overall happiness with such social needs. These needs can be realized in numerous things such as parenthood, in a religious life, in a political career, in an intimate interaction with friends, and many other socials indulgences.
Parenthood is just one of the alternatives which people resort to in order to fulfill any (or many) of the above-mentioned needs like security, love, meaningfulness etc which are only relevant in societal context.
Moreover, if the desire for children was innate then it should be universal. But studies show that it is not. In quite a many countries (and cultures) a lot of couples voluntarily prefer to remain childless for life for no particular reason.
People attach happiness with many socially induced habits. For example, you might believe that if you have this one relationship then you would be happy. But when you enter that relationship you discover that your belief was wrong. Then people say, if I just have so and so things, I will be happy. Or if I don't have this one thing I will be sad all my life. Any of this is not true. Same beliefs and feelings we attach to education, job, money and other aspects of life. Having a child is just one of them.
If you have a different view then I would like to know about it. Please post it descriptively in the comments below.
Need for reproduction
Many people believe that it's natural for a woman to have the desire to have a child because Nature has created men and women to multiply and it is through a woman that it becomes possible. It is through a woman that the next generation would be born. They believe the desire to be innate for the purpose of inducing reproduction. On similar grounds many people also claim that having two different sexes is a very strong indication of the main idea of reproduction.
Explanation: I think what we fail to see here is that there's already a mechanism in place to induce reproduction. That mechanism is the "sexual desire". In the previous article I talked about why there is pleasure in sex. Pleasure is an incentive Nature has placed in sex to make sure we have it. It means that if sex was not pleasurable then people would not have it. Because they wouldn't know on the first place why they have to have it. Consequently, reproduction wouldn't happen. So, to solve the problem Nature put pleasure in sex to encourage animals to have it. This way Nature has served its purpose of reproduction.
If there was innate motivation to have a child then there was no need for sex to be pleasurable. People should be having sex anyway.
Hence the question whether the desire to have a child is innate or it's just like the desire to have a pet, or the desire to own any other object, for that matter, which are undoubtedly the desires induced by the social design.
Wonder of creation
This is the weakest argument in my opinion for the desire being innate. Some people, especially women, put forth the following argument quite often to prove the desire to be innate. They say –
A woman knows that during labor there is immense pain and yet she goes through it just to have a beautiful baby in her arms at the end of it. The whole idea of a new life is wonderful in itself!
Explanation: The readiness to endure pain and hardship (of whatever nature and however big) in order to have something doesn't mean that the desire is innate. For example, for their desire to create records people endure many types of crazy hardships and pains. You must have seen them in Guinness World Records and such other shows. Their readiness to take upon pain does not mean that their desire to create records is innate. That desire is because of the social design. And the idea of creating a world record is also wonderful. Such expressions are subjective.
Mothering
From my online studies and the conversations I have had with people around me I have seen one more thing which makes people think in favor of the desire being innate. It is the phenomenon of "mothering".
Mothering refers to the parental behavior of taking care of an offspring. The point these people make is this: Animals also mother. If they didn't mother then right after birth they would just abandon their young ones, which they don't. And since they are not affected by the society their desire to mother can not be society-induced.
Explanation: I would like to draw a difference between the "desire to mother" and the "desire to have a child".
Of course, animals also mother. And mothering is not society-induced. But the desire to have a child is not the same as the desire to mother. The behavior of taking care of an offspring (i.e. mothering) is directed by certain hormones which are produced in the body "post pregnancy". Just like secretion of milk in mother's breasts does not happen with "will" but by production of certain hormones after pregnancy. This behavior is not even permanent in the animals concerned. It disappears when the production of hormones ceases.
Just as Nature designed sex to serve its purpose of reproduction, the behavior of mothering is also Nature's way of securing safety of the offspring until it becomes capable to survive independently in the natural environment.
As it turns out, animals – including humans – reproduce (procreate) because of the desire created by the hormones of sex. And as for mothering, it's altogether post-pregnancy thing, that too only for a short while. Note that the "desire to have a child" is neither the "desire for sex" nor the "desire for mothering".
The question still stands.
Whence cometh the desire to have a child?
Here's my answer –
Humans today have various society-induced needs as that of security, love, esteem, and most importantly, meaningfulness. People largely attach their overall happiness with such social needs. These needs can be realized in numerous things such as parenthood, in a religious life, in a political career, in an intimate interaction with friends, and many other socials indulgences.
Parenthood is just one of the alternatives which people resort to in order to fulfill any (or many) of the above-mentioned needs like security, love, meaningfulness etc which are only relevant in societal context.
Moreover, if the desire for children was innate then it should be universal. But studies show that it is not. In quite a many countries (and cultures) a lot of couples voluntarily prefer to remain childless for life for no particular reason.
Conclusion
People attach happiness with many socially induced habits. For example, you might believe that if you have this one relationship then you would be happy. But when you enter that relationship you discover that your belief was wrong. Then people say, if I just have so and so things, I will be happy. Or if I don't have this one thing I will be sad all my life. Any of this is not true. Same beliefs and feelings we attach to education, job, money and other aspects of life. Having a child is just one of them.
If you have a different view then I would like to know about it. Please post it descriptively in the comments below.
A very interesting post. My husband used to have a bitch (female dog -I mean) and after a while of being single (the bitch that is), it started showing signs of pregnancy (building a nest, irritable, etc) but it was not, of course. According to the vet it is normal for a bitch to want to have offspring so much, that it behaves like a pregnant dog. To solve the issue, my husband bought little puppies for it to mother.
ReplyDeleteHow's that? :-)
And I, having been single, not wanting babies, and then wanting babies,and then pregnant, and then mother... I will say that wanting to have a child OR wanting to mother is innate. Whether one feels it pre- during- or post pregnancy.
Hi Darshan,
ReplyDeleteAs a woman who has decided not to have children, I can say that the desire was definitely not innate for me. I made this decision in my teens and was told many times that I would change my mind. I am now in my mid-forties and have not changed my mind or regretted my decision in the least. I know many other women who have also decided not to have children, and am with a man who does not want children. I am happy to live in a time when, while still largely frowned upon by society, I do not have to endure the shame and guilt that my parents' generation would have had to endure.
I think both are true: it is innate to want or not want children, depending on the individual. That is to say, it is a personal choice. The important thing is that you have enough sense of self, of who you are, to make the choice that YOU want, and not be swayed by societal pressures. Not just with having children, but with everything.
Thanks for this post! It's a great topic.
Best Regards,
Kitty
This ignores the fact that most people traditionally needed to have children in order to survive. Once the parents became too old or sickly to work or take care of themselves, it was the child’s duty to do so. It also provided another set of hands to work the fields or an heir for a vast fortune. It was more of a necessity than a desire.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I am not sure whether it is innate or not. I decided years ago not to have children, yet sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I did have children. It has not made me change my mind.
Hello :)
ReplyDeleteI can still remember being 16 and my mom always saying "Well when YOU have kids..." until one day I reacted with "But what if I don't WANT to have kids?!" She began to cry and hid in her bedroom for a few hours and there were a few days of awkwardness afterwards.
I felt myself transition at that point, not wanting kids but assuming that I was supposed to want them. As the years progressed, that thought stayed with me but there was never an overwhelming need or desire to do so..
After many years with my husband, we 'tried' without really trying (usually a form of protection but if there wasn't, so be it) but never ended up pregnant.
At the age of 32, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had to have surgery to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube. Still having part of my reproductive system intact, I felt that it was a necessity to try to have children after healing from surgery (almost having the choice taken from you can really mess with the mind).
It took several months of introspection and insightful talks with my husband before truly realizing that neither he nor I wanted children.
I am now 35 and become happier everyday. I often wonder about that interaction with my mother at 16 and can't help but think that, left to my own devices, I never would have felt like I SHOULD have children.
Another interesting tidbit, when people ask if I want to have kids and I give a definite no, you can almost see the confusion on their faces (these are typically people that already have children.) If the conversation gets more in-depth and they discover my surgery woes from a few years back, they're almost RELIEVED to assume "Oh, you CAN'T have children, not that you DON'T want them.."
It's acceptable if you have an 'excuse', not simply free will :)
I strongly believe that the 'need' for children is society-induced. I know that there are always exceptions to the 'rules' (some people may have always felt the urge to procreate) but I can definitely say that I was never one of them :)
Thank you for this article, a great read!