It’s very interesting to understand the progression of a relationship between two persons. A relationship passes from several stages. Can you guess what these stages generally are?
The model which most people believe in is this –
Strangers – friends – best friends – lovers
Let’s call it Model 1. As I said, most people believe in this model. Ask yourself. Probably you too believe something like this. At the first stage the two persons are strangers. As they meet and come close they become friends. Then the following stage, if they reach up there, is best friends. And if they go still higher then they become lovers – the ultimate stage of a relationship.
I too believed in this model, until I came to understand that it’s flawed.
The biggest flaw lies in the concept of the last stage – lovers. In my article about love, I have said that love simply is a liking beyond limit. It’s a pleasurable experience of being in admiration of something or someone. When I got this clarity about what love really is I noticed a big flaw in the Model 1. I have fallen in love several times with the persons who were not my friends. Not even acquaintances, but total strangers at the time I got attracted to them. It shouldn’t be surprising. Haven’t you had crushes on people whom you knew only by face? Some call it just a physical attraction then. But no, that’s also love.
I have seen many lovers who are exceptions to Model 1. In fact, most of them are! I have seen lovers who are not best friends to each other. I have seen lovers who are not even friends. For being a lover you just have to have intense liking for someone. It does not take into account anything else. And if that someone likes you too, then you are lovers. It can be for any of your qualities. Even if it is for a physical appearance then it is love. This way love may exist in total strangers also. Like, in a one-night-stand too love can be.
This is how I found that the model is utterly flawed, and deceptive in a way. Hence, I devised another model. And as all other theories of mine this model too is a product of rationality.
Here’s how it goes –
Strangers – acquaintances – friends – perfect communion (soul mates)
Let’s call it Model 2. If you noticed I have eliminated love from this model. As I have always said, a relationship is constructed on a purpose. A relationship is a social tool to fulfill one’s needs and purposes. Strangers become acquaintance for a purpose. Acquaintances become friends for a purpose. Understand that the purpose can be anything from materialistic to spiritual; from sex to moral support; from fun to knowledge, and so on. In short, a need or a purpose is the basis of any relationship.
That’s where the need for eliminating love. Love does not happen for a purpose. It’s another thing most people get obsessed with and seek possession of the other person when in love. But such purposeful obsessive love is a disorder. Pure love does not have any purpose. It’s just a state of being in admiration of someone, and is totally unconditional. Love can not be termed as a stage in a relationship because it can take place any time, at any stage.
Now I will explain the stages in Model 2 in detail.
Each person’s existence has a center and a periphery. Imagine a circle with a dot in the center. That dot in the center is where your core is. That’s the real you. And the boundary of a circle is your periphery; the trifling things surrounding you.
Stage 1. Strangers –
This stage does not require much explanation. At this stage you just know people by appearance. There’s no relation of any sort. Examples can be some of your neighbors, your co-commuters in a public transport, the people you see in the park, and so on.
As shown in the graphic above, not even peripheries have met. The two persons are completely separate from each other.
Stage 2. Acquaintances –
Most people relate with each other on the periphery and remain related that way only. For example, when you join a new office you come to know so many people. Get acquainted with many colleagues. These people have nothing to do with your intricate thoughts and your life’s philosophy. You are related to them by the work you do. These are trifling things. There is not much personal interest involved in such relationships. With these people you will remain closed most of the time. This is called being related on the periphery. In other words, they are your acquaintances.
Stage 3. Friends –
Some people try and come close to your center. They are somewhat like you. When you see that someone understands you, you would like to open up more to that person, allowing him/her come closer to your center, or the real you. This is called friendship. The closer the other person is to your center better is the friendship.
Look in the graphic. Being related at any point between the periphery and the center can be called friendship.
Stage 4. Perfect communion (soul mates) –
This is the ultimate stage in a relationship where it's no more a “relationship” between two persons. When you share such supreme level of understanding and connection with the other person that you no more remain close to each other’s center, but your centers become one, that’s called perfect communion. For it to happen there has to be absolute absence of fear. When you are not allowing the other person to come close to your center beyond a limit it’s only because of the fear. When the other person is not allowing you to reach his/her center, it’s because of the fear. This fear can be gotten rid of only when you have perfect awareness of the self and the universe around you. Only then you can reach the other person’s center, and allow that person to reach your center. Let me tell you that “perfect communion” is rarest of the rare event. When I say this it means one in a million. No. It’s not an overstatement. To make this event possible the two persons have to be deeply spiritual.
Another important thing I must not forget to mention is that a relationship does not necessarily progress through these stages in a given sequence. In the right sense they should be called “levels” of a relationship, instead of “stages”. A relationship may start off at any level directly and may move in any direction.
And as for love, it’s not a stage in a relationship. Love is a magic which can take place at any of the above-mentioned stages.
The model which most people believe in is this –
Strangers – friends – best friends – lovers
Let’s call it Model 1. As I said, most people believe in this model. Ask yourself. Probably you too believe something like this. At the first stage the two persons are strangers. As they meet and come close they become friends. Then the following stage, if they reach up there, is best friends. And if they go still higher then they become lovers – the ultimate stage of a relationship.
I too believed in this model, until I came to understand that it’s flawed.
The biggest flaw lies in the concept of the last stage – lovers. In my article about love, I have said that love simply is a liking beyond limit. It’s a pleasurable experience of being in admiration of something or someone. When I got this clarity about what love really is I noticed a big flaw in the Model 1. I have fallen in love several times with the persons who were not my friends. Not even acquaintances, but total strangers at the time I got attracted to them. It shouldn’t be surprising. Haven’t you had crushes on people whom you knew only by face? Some call it just a physical attraction then. But no, that’s also love.
I have seen many lovers who are exceptions to Model 1. In fact, most of them are! I have seen lovers who are not best friends to each other. I have seen lovers who are not even friends. For being a lover you just have to have intense liking for someone. It does not take into account anything else. And if that someone likes you too, then you are lovers. It can be for any of your qualities. Even if it is for a physical appearance then it is love. This way love may exist in total strangers also. Like, in a one-night-stand too love can be.
This is how I found that the model is utterly flawed, and deceptive in a way. Hence, I devised another model. And as all other theories of mine this model too is a product of rationality.
Here’s how it goes –
Strangers – acquaintances – friends – perfect communion (soul mates)
Let’s call it Model 2. If you noticed I have eliminated love from this model. As I have always said, a relationship is constructed on a purpose. A relationship is a social tool to fulfill one’s needs and purposes. Strangers become acquaintance for a purpose. Acquaintances become friends for a purpose. Understand that the purpose can be anything from materialistic to spiritual; from sex to moral support; from fun to knowledge, and so on. In short, a need or a purpose is the basis of any relationship.
That’s where the need for eliminating love. Love does not happen for a purpose. It’s another thing most people get obsessed with and seek possession of the other person when in love. But such purposeful obsessive love is a disorder. Pure love does not have any purpose. It’s just a state of being in admiration of someone, and is totally unconditional. Love can not be termed as a stage in a relationship because it can take place any time, at any stage.
Now I will explain the stages in Model 2 in detail.
Each person’s existence has a center and a periphery. Imagine a circle with a dot in the center. That dot in the center is where your core is. That’s the real you. And the boundary of a circle is your periphery; the trifling things surrounding you.
Stage 1. Strangers –
This stage does not require much explanation. At this stage you just know people by appearance. There’s no relation of any sort. Examples can be some of your neighbors, your co-commuters in a public transport, the people you see in the park, and so on.
As shown in the graphic above, not even peripheries have met. The two persons are completely separate from each other.
Stage 2. Acquaintances –
Most people relate with each other on the periphery and remain related that way only. For example, when you join a new office you come to know so many people. Get acquainted with many colleagues. These people have nothing to do with your intricate thoughts and your life’s philosophy. You are related to them by the work you do. These are trifling things. There is not much personal interest involved in such relationships. With these people you will remain closed most of the time. This is called being related on the periphery. In other words, they are your acquaintances.
Stage 3. Friends –
Some people try and come close to your center. They are somewhat like you. When you see that someone understands you, you would like to open up more to that person, allowing him/her come closer to your center, or the real you. This is called friendship. The closer the other person is to your center better is the friendship.
Look in the graphic. Being related at any point between the periphery and the center can be called friendship.
Stage 4. Perfect communion (soul mates) –
This is the ultimate stage in a relationship where it's no more a “relationship” between two persons. When you share such supreme level of understanding and connection with the other person that you no more remain close to each other’s center, but your centers become one, that’s called perfect communion. For it to happen there has to be absolute absence of fear. When you are not allowing the other person to come close to your center beyond a limit it’s only because of the fear. When the other person is not allowing you to reach his/her center, it’s because of the fear. This fear can be gotten rid of only when you have perfect awareness of the self and the universe around you. Only then you can reach the other person’s center, and allow that person to reach your center. Let me tell you that “perfect communion” is rarest of the rare event. When I say this it means one in a million. No. It’s not an overstatement. To make this event possible the two persons have to be deeply spiritual.
Another important thing I must not forget to mention is that a relationship does not necessarily progress through these stages in a given sequence. In the right sense they should be called “levels” of a relationship, instead of “stages”. A relationship may start off at any level directly and may move in any direction.
And as for love, it’s not a stage in a relationship. Love is a magic which can take place at any of the above-mentioned stages.
UPDATE (September 2011): This post need not be taken too seriously, especially the part on “soul mates”, which I myself now consider redundant to my philosophy.
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