December 27, 2009

How to get rid of desires and expectations?

First we should ask, what's the point of living if we are to live without any desires and expectations? What is a human being without desires and expectations? No different from a vegetable! Since we have got a thinking and analytical mind we are bound to distinguish things, see right and wrong and choose our experiences. We can't live randomly, like less conscious animals and plants, simply because our mind is so developed. And to choose what experiences we would like to have is, in a broad sense, to have desires and expectations.

However, it is true that all (affective) suffering in life is because of desires and expectations; for suffering of the mind is nothing but the experiences that we do not wish to have. Since we all like to experience more of happiness and less of suffering, it is understandable of one to consider a possibility of getting rid of the source of suffering, that is, desires and expectations.

It is important to understand that our biological wiring is not conducive to our happiness. Because Nature (or the universe) doesn't have any "intentions" for us, much less intentions of our well being. It just acts by chance and randomness. All the order that we see in Nature points towards only one systematic process, which is evolution. And for evolution of living beings to become successful, suffering is indispensable. Survival of the fittest, you see? Having a good, happy life is a human purpose. Not everything that we biologically feel inclined to do is good for our human purpose of life. Our biology is formed through evolution only to serve Nature's purpose of propagation of genes!

Through intellectual development, however, we can overpower our biological wiring and that way reduce the extent of suffering we go through otherwise. It is called acting from the head, as against acting from the heart. Heart, is a symbol of biological wiring or make-up.

For example, if I don't know how sexual attraction works, I will feel very jealous when my girlfriend gets attracted to another guy, and probably be very angry at her. But if I have understood using my intellect and rationality, through my own experiences and observations, the mechanism that governs such attraction, I will know that one can't do much when such attraction happens and it's a natural process. Then I will be able to keep calm and take it well. I will then not have unrealistic expectations from a girl who is no longer attracted to me. That way, I have saved myself of a lot of suffering. Of course, this jealousy and anger had its own evolutionary significance from Nature's point-of-view (for mating), but for the conscious, rational "me" it was not a good experience.

This was just an example. But you see, by understanding life, by understanding the causes of suffering, we can eliminate suffering. Not 100%, but to a great extent for sure. But the thing is, just like in the above example wherein I let go of my girlfriend, if we let go of "everything" in life, then what's left there to give us happiness? And without happiness what's the point of living?

Desires and expectations are exactly what drive our life. They cause suffering, but importantly, they cause happiness too. So I think it is important to have desires and expectations.

At the same time I also think it is essential to cultivate our mind to live without them too, so that we can protect ourselves of harm, when life treats us violently. This is very important to keep in mind.

The process of developing oneself to experience more of happiness and less of suffering is what I call spiritual* (philosophical) development. It essentially is truth-seeking about our existence. Only when one is well aware about the nature of the existence, one can have the power over one's mind which is required to remain calm in every situation. Needless to say, this is also the way one can get rid of desires and expectations.

If you are weak-minded, or the truth disturbs you easily then do not read further. Because we are going to have a glimpse of the reality.

It's not easy to be free of desires and expectations unless you have understood the illusory of nature of world you are living in and know the reality of your existence, which is the whole purpose of spiritual development.

What are expectations? They are nothing but the products of one's ego – the self. And everyone in the world is primarily living for one's ego. When so is the case, social harmony is a mere illusion. In reality, all your friends and relations, as they are perceived by you, are fictitious. They all are living for their own ego, not for your well being. The matrix of relationships is just an illusion of social harmony. It's merely the system by which people can use each other for their own well-being. Aloneness is the reality. It's imperative to know that no one in the world – not even God – is here to make your life better. You digest this fact, and you are free of expectations.

As for desires, they are easier to get rid of than expectations. You just have to learn from your experience. Desires are a kind of pain. When you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is a psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long, because very soon you again desire something else and give way to another pain and so the cycle continues. You can not find contentment unless you put an end to your desires. Whether one should remain in contentment state always or not is another question. But here the point is, when running after things (driven by desires) causes you suffering which you don't want, it's good to have contentment at hand. That's the reason being contented is given so much importance in spirituality.

To conclude, I would say the only way to be able to live without desires and expectations (when life is violent) is by having developed good awareness about the existence through spiritual development.

UPDATE (September 2011): I no longer wish to identify myself as being into spirituality. Hence, wherever in this article I have used the phrase spiritual development, the reader should read philosophical development. The meaning of spiritual development as given in the article needs no change and can be taken for the meaning of philosophical development just as well.

December 6, 2009

What is perfect happiness?

In Are you happy or content? I wrote that happiness is not a real thing in that it’s only a temporary state of mind experienced after the pain ceases.

Human life hugely comprises of desires and expectations. These are all pains. Psychological ones. When a desire or an expectation is fulfilled the pain comes to an end, and the state of mind temporarily experienced then is called happiness. Happiness is not real in that it’s always transitory. After a while it would fade away and another pain would start. This cycle of happiness and pain goes on endlessly in most peoples’ lives.

If you are a truth-seeker then it’s imperative to understand that happiness is not a thing to pursue. Happiness actually suggests a disorder in you. If you are feeling happiness then that means things are not quite right with you; you are still prone to miseries; because happiness can not exist in absence of pain. If there’s never a pain in your life you can not feel happiness.

Absence of pain is not happiness, but contentment. The way to free yourself from miseries is contentment. In contentment there’s neither happiness nor pain. This state can also be called “perfect happiness” or bliss. But I prefer to call it contentment. Contentment lies in the state of neutrality which is right between the states of happiness and pain; and that’s what your mind seeks. Consider happiness and pain as extremes. Both are useless, unnecessary. That happiness is an important thing is your false perception.

You must have noticed that when you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long time; because that’s not the mind’s nature. In some time your mind again slips into the state of neutrality – wherein you can choose to find contentment. But what you do instead is give way to another pain and so the cycle continues.

When I say happiness suggests a disorder do not feel startled. Let me rephrase it. HAPPINESS IS A DISORDER. Now you can surely feel startled! Let me explain it. Happiness is a disorder in that it is never separate from pain. It’s a plant which grows from pain and produces fruits of pain. Happiness is something which would never let you transcend pain. Thus, in order go beyond pain you first need to understand the futility of happiness. When you transcend happiness you would automatically be free of pain.

Consider these instances –

You feel happy when you find a great job.

You feel happy when you win a competition.

You feel happy when you graduate.

There can be countless other things that may make you happy. Now let me tell you these are, in fact, incomplete sentences. Read the complete sentences which might give you some insight.

You feel happy when you find a new job – because now your life standard will improve and you will be able to do things which so far you only wished you could.

You feel happy when you win a competition – because now you will earn respect and people will look up to you and remember you as a winner for the time to come.

You feel happy when you graduate – because that has opened the doors to further goals and now you are geared up to pursue your higher dreams.

Do you realize something now?

When you win a lottery you feel happiness. You think you are happy because you won the lottery. No. This happiness is not because of what just happened, but because of what will now follow. You won a lottery; now you will buy things, and fulfill long cherished wishes and desires. The thought of it is precisely what’s making you happy.

Your pursuit of happiness is like a journey which never ends. First you chase some point as destination. Then as soon as you have got to that point you look up to another distant point as destination. Yes, you are happy upon reaching each milestone, but that happiness is not quite because you reached there, but because you now see yourself closer to the next point. As soon as one chase finishes, new one begins. As soon as one pain converts into happiness another pain is given way to. The problem is this: Happiness is always linked with the future.

You are happy not because you got something today, but because of the thought of what you will do (or what will happen) tomorrow with what you have just got. What if you can’t do that tomorrow? What if it doesn’t happen tomorrow?

What is called “perfect happiness” or bliss in spiritual terminology is nothing but contentment. Being happy with what you have today, because you have it, not because of what you will be doing with it tomorrow. The moment you expect something from tomorrow the unrest has started in your mind. Then as long as it is not done the unrest remains. The pain is there. And if you fail to do it, then it gets worse!

Some people say they don’t want lasting happiness. They have accepted life as a continuous cycle of happiness and pain. They would even argue with you saying pain is important in life because without it they wouldn’t feel happiness. Do not listen to them. They are weak-minded and cowardly hypocrites. Ask them, if they are so convinced that life is a cycle of happiness and pain, and that pain is necessary, then why on earth they are always striving to keep as much away from pain as it’s in their power. Why do they cry in sorrow? Why do they grieve over it when they lose a friend, or get depressed upon losing love?

In truth, everyone wants lasting happiness. What most people don’t know is that happiness can not be lasting. There’s no such thing as “lasting happiness”. The thing which is closest to the idea of lasting happiness is contentment, which I also call "perfect happiness".

How to attain perfect happiness or contentment? To attain contentment in life you must give up each and every type of expectation and all your desires. You will say how’s that possible in this world. It is possible. All it needs is practice and conscious perseverance. Live in Today. What you have today is the best thing that could ever happen to you. Stop counting on friends and relations. There’s no place for attachment of any kind. Don’t even expect things from God. Yes, make friends and relations, make plans, dream; but take it as if the life is a game and all this is a part of the play. Do not forget the reality, that friends, relations, even God are all fictitious. No one in the world is here to make your life better. You are your own shepherd. Then even if you lose in the game you will be content to have played the game. There’s no place for pain; and thus, no question of happiness.

Contentment alone is bliss. The choice is yours.