First we should ask, what's the point of living if we are to live without any desires and expectations? What is a human being without desires and expectations? No different from a vegetable! Since we have got a thinking and analytical mind we are bound to distinguish things, see right and wrong and choose our experiences. We can't live randomly, like less conscious animals and plants, simply because our mind is so developed. And to choose what experiences we would like to have is, in a broad sense, to have desires and expectations.
However, it is true that all (affective) suffering in life is because of desires and expectations; for suffering of the mind is nothing but the experiences that we do not wish to have. Since we all like to experience more of happiness and less of suffering, it is understandable of one to consider a possibility of getting rid of the source of suffering, that is, desires and expectations.
It is important to understand that our biological wiring is not conducive to our happiness. Because Nature (or the universe) doesn't have any "intentions" for us, much less intentions of our well being. It just acts by chance and randomness. All the order that we see in Nature points towards only one systematic process, which is evolution. And for evolution of living beings to become successful, suffering is indispensable. Survival of the fittest, you see? Having a good, happy life is a human purpose. Not everything that we biologically feel inclined to do is good for our human purpose of life. Our biology is formed through evolution only to serve Nature's purpose of propagation of genes!
Through intellectual development, however, we can overpower our biological wiring and that way reduce the extent of suffering we go through otherwise. It is called acting from the head, as against acting from the heart. Heart, is a symbol of biological wiring or make-up.
For example, if I don't know how sexual attraction works, I will feel very jealous when my girlfriend gets attracted to another guy, and probably be very angry at her. But if I have understood using my intellect and rationality, through my own experiences and observations, the mechanism that governs such attraction, I will know that one can't do much when such attraction happens and it's a natural process. Then I will be able to keep calm and take it well. I will then not have unrealistic expectations from a girl who is no longer attracted to me. That way, I have saved myself of a lot of suffering. Of course, this jealousy and anger had its own evolutionary significance from Nature's point-of-view (for mating), but for the conscious, rational "me" it was not a good experience.
This was just an example. But you see, by understanding life, by understanding the causes of suffering, we can eliminate suffering. Not 100%, but to a great extent for sure. But the thing is, just like in the above example wherein I let go of my girlfriend, if we let go of "everything" in life, then what's left there to give us happiness? And without happiness what's the point of living?
Desires and expectations are exactly what drive our life. They cause suffering, but importantly, they cause happiness too. So I think it is important to have desires and expectations.
At the same time I also think it is essential to cultivate our mind to live without them too, so that we can protect ourselves of harm, when life treats us violently. This is very important to keep in mind.
The process of developing oneself to experience more of happiness and less of suffering is what I call spiritual* (philosophical) development. It essentially is truth-seeking about our existence. Only when one is well aware about the nature of the existence, one can have the power over one's mind which is required to remain calm in every situation. Needless to say, this is also the way one can get rid of desires and expectations.
If you are weak-minded, or the truth disturbs you easily then do not read further. Because we are going to have a glimpse of the reality.
It's not easy to be free of desires and expectations unless you have understood the illusory of nature of world you are living in and know the reality of your existence, which is the whole purpose of spiritual development.
What are expectations? They are nothing but the products of one's ego – the self. And everyone in the world is primarily living for one's ego. When so is the case, social harmony is a mere illusion. In reality, all your friends and relations, as they are perceived by you, are fictitious. They all are living for their own ego, not for your well being. The matrix of relationships is just an illusion of social harmony. It's merely the system by which people can use each other for their own well-being. Aloneness is the reality. It's imperative to know that no one in the world – not even God – is here to make your life better. You digest this fact, and you are free of expectations.
As for desires, they are easier to get rid of than expectations. You just have to learn from your experience. Desires are a kind of pain. When you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is a psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long, because very soon you again desire something else and give way to another pain and so the cycle continues. You can not find contentment unless you put an end to your desires. Whether one should remain in contentment state always or not is another question. But here the point is, when running after things (driven by desires) causes you suffering which you don't want, it's good to have contentment at hand. That's the reason being contented is given so much importance in spirituality.
To conclude, I would say the only way to be able to live without desires and expectations (when life is violent) is by having developed good awareness about the existence through spiritual development.
However, it is true that all (affective) suffering in life is because of desires and expectations; for suffering of the mind is nothing but the experiences that we do not wish to have. Since we all like to experience more of happiness and less of suffering, it is understandable of one to consider a possibility of getting rid of the source of suffering, that is, desires and expectations.
It is important to understand that our biological wiring is not conducive to our happiness. Because Nature (or the universe) doesn't have any "intentions" for us, much less intentions of our well being. It just acts by chance and randomness. All the order that we see in Nature points towards only one systematic process, which is evolution. And for evolution of living beings to become successful, suffering is indispensable. Survival of the fittest, you see? Having a good, happy life is a human purpose. Not everything that we biologically feel inclined to do is good for our human purpose of life. Our biology is formed through evolution only to serve Nature's purpose of propagation of genes!
Through intellectual development, however, we can overpower our biological wiring and that way reduce the extent of suffering we go through otherwise. It is called acting from the head, as against acting from the heart. Heart, is a symbol of biological wiring or make-up.
For example, if I don't know how sexual attraction works, I will feel very jealous when my girlfriend gets attracted to another guy, and probably be very angry at her. But if I have understood using my intellect and rationality, through my own experiences and observations, the mechanism that governs such attraction, I will know that one can't do much when such attraction happens and it's a natural process. Then I will be able to keep calm and take it well. I will then not have unrealistic expectations from a girl who is no longer attracted to me. That way, I have saved myself of a lot of suffering. Of course, this jealousy and anger had its own evolutionary significance from Nature's point-of-view (for mating), but for the conscious, rational "me" it was not a good experience.
This was just an example. But you see, by understanding life, by understanding the causes of suffering, we can eliminate suffering. Not 100%, but to a great extent for sure. But the thing is, just like in the above example wherein I let go of my girlfriend, if we let go of "everything" in life, then what's left there to give us happiness? And without happiness what's the point of living?
Desires and expectations are exactly what drive our life. They cause suffering, but importantly, they cause happiness too. So I think it is important to have desires and expectations.
At the same time I also think it is essential to cultivate our mind to live without them too, so that we can protect ourselves of harm, when life treats us violently. This is very important to keep in mind.
The process of developing oneself to experience more of happiness and less of suffering is what I call spiritual* (philosophical) development. It essentially is truth-seeking about our existence. Only when one is well aware about the nature of the existence, one can have the power over one's mind which is required to remain calm in every situation. Needless to say, this is also the way one can get rid of desires and expectations.
If you are weak-minded, or the truth disturbs you easily then do not read further. Because we are going to have a glimpse of the reality.
It's not easy to be free of desires and expectations unless you have understood the illusory of nature of world you are living in and know the reality of your existence, which is the whole purpose of spiritual development.
What are expectations? They are nothing but the products of one's ego – the self. And everyone in the world is primarily living for one's ego. When so is the case, social harmony is a mere illusion. In reality, all your friends and relations, as they are perceived by you, are fictitious. They all are living for their own ego, not for your well being. The matrix of relationships is just an illusion of social harmony. It's merely the system by which people can use each other for their own well-being. Aloneness is the reality. It's imperative to know that no one in the world – not even God – is here to make your life better. You digest this fact, and you are free of expectations.
As for desires, they are easier to get rid of than expectations. You just have to learn from your experience. Desires are a kind of pain. When you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is a psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long, because very soon you again desire something else and give way to another pain and so the cycle continues. You can not find contentment unless you put an end to your desires. Whether one should remain in contentment state always or not is another question. But here the point is, when running after things (driven by desires) causes you suffering which you don't want, it's good to have contentment at hand. That's the reason being contented is given so much importance in spirituality.
To conclude, I would say the only way to be able to live without desires and expectations (when life is violent) is by having developed good awareness about the existence through spiritual development.
UPDATE (September 2011): I no longer wish to identify myself as being into spirituality. Hence, wherever in this article I have used the phrase spiritual development, the reader should read philosophical development. The meaning of spiritual development as given in the article needs no change and can be taken for the meaning of philosophical development just as well.
