Friendship is a nice name of the ugly game.
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
This is, in fact, a very ugly quote. It clearly shows practical mindset. Still everyone agrees with it. That means everyone in the world, when making a friend, (at least) subconsciously expects some sort of help or favor from the person. When the time comes it is sought, and if declined then one would call to mind something like this quote, and boom! Friendship is doomed!
Actually the thing is without purposes friendship (for that matter, any relationship) is not possible. You might feel agitated when I say this. Not your fault. Sometimes the purposes are so hidden in your subconscious that even you will never know about it. I will try to familiarize you with the hidden functioning of human mind in this regard.
I have explained what friendship is in the article titled What is friendship? For those who have not read the article I would quote my definition of friendship here:
Friendship is understanding and respect.
A friend is any relation who understands your thoughts, and respects them. It means the one who understands and respects what you are.
Now you tell me, what is the first thing you get when you make a friend? What does understanding and respect mean? It means you earned importance. And who doesn’t love being important in other people’s eyes! So, isn’t earning importance a purpose? The desire for importance is very strong in human mind. That’s precisely the reason you are always ready for making new friends. Do you ever think that ‘Okay, I have had enough friends now and I am quite happy with all the friends I have. I need not another friend’? No. What happens then? You go on making new and new and new friends. And then you have more friends than you have time for. Then you have to prioritize friends. If need be, eliminate some. On what basis you would prioritize friends? Of course, you will consider the welfare of none other than yourself. It’s a natural process, and so subtle that you don’t even realize doing all that.
People don’t agree with it when I say “prioritize friends”. I understand, it does not sound good. But let me tell you it’s true. Haven’t you ever categorized your friends? Best friend, just friends, hi-hello friends… Sounds funny, but yes, you do have those categories even though the titles may be different. When you look at the definition of friendship you know that anyone who stands up to it (meaning, who understands your thoughts and respects them) is a friend. Say, you have hundred relations; all standing up to it; so all are your friends. But do you consider them all equal? It’s difficult both mentally and practically. That’s the reason you would make those categories. You will allocate your friends into the category which you think appropriate for each one, the calculation of which would be based on your own welfare alone. Now, what all things you take into consideration while deciding the right category for a friend, you alone know. You categorized friends means you “prioritized friends”. Prioritization is only done considering self-welfare. And self-welfare is only ascertained considering one’s needs and their fulfillment.
The needs and purposes taken into consideration may vary from materialistic to spiritual; from sex to moral support; from fun to knowledge, and so on. The list of needs and purposes is endless. It depends upon your circumstances and the depth of your person. In any case, friendship would remain only as long as the needs and purposes of friends are reconciled. Moreover, better the reconciliation better would be the friendship. Every friendship starts with a purpose, materialistic or spiritual; and then this reconciliation constantly decides its path.
Looks like an ugly game, doesn’t it? Yeah, friendship is a nice name of the ugly game. But along with this, another thing to understand is that this game, however ugly, is indispensable. Every one has to play it if one wants to live in the world of "intelligent creatures".
It sounds ugly just because we have idealized the concept of friendship, which is wrong and needless. Friendship is doubtless a good and healthy social activity, but certainly not of supremacy which it is exalted to.
The reason behind writing this article is not to discourage friendships, but to break the idealized belief. So that the next time you lose a friend or your friend hurts you then you shouldn’t get affected because now you know the dynamics behind friendship.
13 Comment(s):
Everything that a human does has a conscious or subconscious purpose and making friends is no exception. It is true that any healthy relationship is byproduct of understanding and mutual respect and friendship is no different.
For me I see my reflection in my friends and
The glory of friendship is felt in the spiritual inspiration that comes to me when I discover that someone else believes and is willing to trust me.
Truth nicely expressed... with same bitter coat that is typical of your Darshan style....:)
We expect something in return of something from everyone ... But not all are called friends.
This subconscious feeling has a wider base then only friendship ... Friendship is a diff concept all together .. both of these feelings along with numerous other ones go by simultaneously as we live along.. One effects the other .. which is only natural ....
Every coin has two sides and you have just pen down the another or negative side of the Friendship n it is all true...well written post
Nice one Darshan....Different thought and correct..
Human beings do prioritise among freinds and freindship based upon their need,sometimes intentionally or even subconciously. Everyone does it no matter how much they deny.
I liked the opening line "Friendship is a nice name of the ugly game." Sums up Well..!! :)
"what is the first thing you get when you make a friend?..................That’s precisely the reason you are always ready for making new friends".
This paragraph is really the most amazing and meaningful one.
nicely written, good post.
keep writing :)
Very true...everything we do is driven by a purpose...the essence of the post was the break the myth of an 'ideal' friendship/relationship. I agree. The day we start to view relationships as give and take, life becomes simple, happiness becomes easy.
Selflessness is never possible in the true sense of the word. And an understanding of this can eliminate unrealistic expectations and unnecessary hurts and heartbreaks.
:) Another great post...
Expecting is just human nature. Even friendship can be selfish where you expect a minimum something from your friend. The world is all about give n take after all!
You know, sometimes I feel friendship itself is a purpose. I may be called a pussy for this, but I need my friends. I need to be around them. They may be useless, even damaging in someways, but I need them. I may be wrong, but man is a social animal and we all need friends just to not be alone.
I enjoyed this especially the last sentence. I found it to be extremely relevant!
i agree with dhaval, i need friends just for company... it depends on ppls nature. i never ask for any help or anything from any of my friends, and i dont make new friends..
I totally totally agree with what you have writen. We do prioritize friends. We like it or not but we do it. Consciously or sub-consciously. Lets say I have about a hundred friends. Out of which 5 may be just acquaintances. Another 5 may be whom I dont personally like but still I dont wanna do away with them coz somewhere I know that they may be helpful. That is when purpose of friends comes in. Similarly I have 50 friends whom I know from different places. They are the friends whom I like talking to. Maybe I like somebody's dressing sense, somebody's taste with regards to food, places, etc etc... Again prioritize. Thats how it is. But the reality is that we do not accept this fact. But it does exist. in every individual. In every mind.
You're quite right about the "prioritize friends" phrase. Infact most of us do it in the subconscious mind but would never dare to admit it for the simple fear of offending our "not so important" friends. The word "friends" comes in handy to address those "acquaintances".
And then there is a thing called being "at the same wavelength". We tend to be closer to people with whom we're simpatico.
A good post.
Cheers !!
A well written post.
My take is that... to each his own.
Post a Comment
Please note that the articles on this blog are subject to further editing and amendments, if found necessary.
Your relevant comments can be constructive in refining my thoughts and ideas.