How to get rid of desires and expectations?

Humans are the only creatures whose lives are driven by desires and expectations – and the only creatures knowing the meaning of misery!

I have said in the article about perfect happiness that the pursuit of happiness is futile. Happiness is not a thing to pursue. The real thing is contentment where there’s neither happiness nor pain; and contentment alone is bliss.

To attain contentment in life you must give up each and every type of expectation and all your desires. Here’s where the difficulty is. How can you be free of desires and expectations?

It’s not easy to be free of desires and expectations unless you have understood that the world you are living in is all unreal, and know what and how the real life should be.

You are living in a perfectly self-centered world. The only thing which is looked after in this world is self-centeredness at all levels. This is the core philosophy of intelligence-driven human living. What are desires and expectations? They are nothing but the ugly products of one’s ego – the self. Where there is ego, there can not be harmony. Ego always, always stands alone. In reality, all your friends and relations, as they are perceived by you, are fictitious. They all are living for their own ego; not for your wellbeing. The entire matrix of relationships is just an illusion of harmony. It’s merely the system by which people can use each other for their own wellbeing; which is again for the most part, sadly, material in nature. It’s imperative to know that no one in the world – not even your God – is here to make your life better, and that you are your own shepherd. You digest this fact, and you are free of expectations.

As for desires, they are easier to get rid of than expectations. You just have to learn from your experience. Desires are also a kind of pain. When you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long time; because that’s not the mind’s nature. In some time your mind again slips into the state of neutrality – wherein you can choose to find contentment. But what you do instead is again desire something else and give way to another pain and so the cycle continues. Will you ever in your life learn the lesson that you can not find contentment unless you put an end to your desires?

Here arises another question: Human life seems to be all made of desires and expectations. What would you do if you had neither any desire nor an expectation?

And the answer to that question is: You should be living your life by natural instincts. By natural instincts, I mean something like “natural desires”. In other words, it’s your disposition towards the actions and things which is intended for living by Nature, and not triggered by human intelligence.

That’s how the rest of the world is breathing for billions of years, not to mention without happiness or pain. There’s bliss everywhere. Understand that the desires and expectations are essentially human things. They can not arise except out of the human intelligence. If you observe the Nature, humans are the only creatures whose lives are driven by desires and expectations – and the only creatures knowing the meaning of misery!

You may not be able to decide which actions and things are intended by Nature and which ones are triggered by human intelligence. But that’s fine. Just try to see Nature and understand natural way of living; and then by bringing gradual simplifications in your life try to keep it close to Nature.

If you believe that all the joy of life comes out of material possessions (result of desires) and human relationships (result of expectations) then you are utterly wrong. The greatest joy is when you are living by natural instincts alone, and experiencing everything that is there to experience in Nature.

One might think that the only way to live in this way is to renounce the human world and live in the secluded place where the life is closest to natural. Well, that’s the best way, for sure; but not the only one. You can attain perfect happiness or bliss right here too. All it needs is some practice and conscious perseverance. And once it is attained, no one can take it back from you.

In the future article I will talk about how to attain bliss without renouncing the human world.

What is perfect happiness?

There’s no such thing as “lasting happiness”. The thing which is closest to the idea of lasting happiness is contentment.

I have already explained in my article Are you happy or content? that happiness is not a real thing. It’s only a temporary state of mind experienced after the pain ceases. Here I have something more to add to it.

Human life hugely comprises of desires and expectations. These are all pains; psychological ones. When a desire or an expectation is fulfilled the pain comes to an end; and the state of mind temporarily experienced then is called happiness. Happiness is not real in that it’s always transitory. After a while it would fade away and another pain would start. This cycle of happiness and pain goes on endlessly in most peoples’ lives.

If you are a truth-seeker then it’s imperative to understand that happiness is not a thing to pursue. Happiness actually vindicates a disorder in you. If you are feeling happiness then that means things are not quite right with you; you are still prone to miseries; because happiness can not exist in absence of pain. If there’s never a pain in your life you can not feel happiness.

Absence of pain is not happiness, but contentment. The way to free yourself from miseries is contentment. In contentment there’s neither happiness nor pain. This state can also be called “perfect happiness” or bliss. But I prefer to call it contentment. Contentment lies in the state of neutrality which is right between the states of happiness and pain; and that’s what your mind seeks. Consider happiness and pain as extremes. Both are useless, unnecessary. That happiness is an important thing is your false perception.

You must have noticed that when you desire something there begins in your mind some unrest which continues until you have got the thing. This unrest is psychological pain. When you get the thing the pain comes to an end and what is then felt is happiness. But how long does it last? Not for long time; because that’s not the mind’s nature. In some time your mind again slips into the state of neutrality – wherein you can choose to find contentment. But what you do instead is give way to another pain and so the cycle continues.

When I say happiness vindicates a disorder do not feel startled. Let me rephrase it. HAPPINESS IS A DISORDER. Now you can surely feel startled! Let me explain it. Happiness is a disorder in that it is never separate from pain. It’s a plant which grows from pain and produces fruits of pain. Happiness is something which would never let you transcend pain. Thus, in order go beyond pain you first need to understand the futility of happiness. When you transcend happiness you would automatically be free of pain.

Consider these instances –

You feel happy when you find a great job.

You feel happy when you win a competition.

You feel happy when you graduate.

There can be countless other things that may make you happy. Now let me tell you these are, in fact, incomplete sentences. Read the complete sentences which might give you some insight.

You feel happy when you find a new job – because now your life standard will improve and you will be able to do things which so far you only wished you could.

You feel happy when you win a competition – because now you will earn respect and people will look up to you and remember you as a winner for the time to come.

You feel happy when you graduate – because that has opened the doors to further goals and now you are geared up to pursue your higher dreams.

Do you realize something now?

When you win a lottery you feel happiness. You think you are happy because you won the lottery. No. This happiness is not because of what just happened, but because of what will now follow. You won a lottery; now you will buy things, and fulfill long cherished wishes and desires. The thought of it is precisely what’s making you happy.

Your pursuit of happiness is like a journey which never ends. First you chase some point as destination. Then as soon as you have got to that point you look up to another distant point as destination. Yes, you are happy upon reaching each milestone, but that happiness is not quite because you reached there, but because you now see yourself closer to the next point. As soon as one chase finishes, new one begins. As soon as one pain converts into happiness another pain is given way to. The problem is this: Happiness is always linked with the future.

You are happy not because you got something today, but because of the thought of what you will do (or what will happen) tomorrow with what you have just got. What if you can’t do that tomorrow? What if it doesn’t happen tomorrow?

What is called “perfect happiness” or bliss in spiritual terminology is nothing but contentment. Being happy with what you have today, because you have it, not because of what you will be doing with it tomorrow. The moment you expect something from tomorrow the unrest has started in your mind. Then as long as it is not done the unrest remains. The pain is there. And if you fail to do it, then it gets worse!

Some people say they don’t want lasting happiness. They have accepted life as a continuous cycle of happiness and pain. They would even argue with you saying pain is important in life because without it they wouldn’t feel happiness. Do not listen to them. They are weak-minded and cowardly hypocrites. Ask them, if they are so convinced that life is a cycle of happiness and pain, and that pain is necessary, then why on earth they are always striving to keep as much away from pain as it’s in their power. Why do they cry in sorrow? Why do they grieve over it when they lose a friend, or get depressed upon losing love?

In truth, everyone wants lasting happiness. What most people don’t know is that happiness can not be lasting. There’s no such thing as “lasting happiness”. The thing which is closest to the idea of lasting happiness is contentment.

To attain contentment in life you must give up each and every type of expectation and all your desires. You will say how’s that possible in this world. It is possible. All it needs is practice and conscious perseverance. Live in Today. What you have today is the best thing that could ever happen to you. Stop counting on friends and relations. There’s no place for attachment of any kind. Don’t even expect things from God. Yes, make friends and relations, make plans, dream; but take it as if the life is a game and all this is a part of the play. Do not forget the reality, that friends, relations, even God are all fictitious. No one in the world is here to make your life better. You are your own shepherd. Then even if you lose in the game you will be content to have played the game. There’s no place for pain; and thus, no question of happiness.

Contentment alone is bliss. The choice is yours.

Is friendship driven by purposes?

Friendship is a nice name of the ugly game.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

This is, in fact, a very ugly quote. It clearly shows practical mindset. Still everyone agrees with it. That means everyone in the world, when making a friend, (at least) subconsciously expects some sort of help or favor from the person. When the time comes it is sought, and if declined then one would call to mind something like this quote, and boom! Friendship is doomed!

Actually the thing is without purposes friendship (for that matter, any relationship) is not possible. You might feel agitated when I say this. Not your fault. Sometimes the purposes are so hidden in your subconscious that even you will never know about it. I will try to familiarize you with the hidden functioning of human mind in this regard.

I have explained what friendship is in the article titled What is friendship? For those who have not read the article I would quote my definition of friendship here:

Friendship is understanding and respect.

A friend is any relation who understands your thoughts, and respects them. It means the one who understands and respects what you are.

Now you tell me, what is the first thing you get when you make a friend? What does understanding and respect mean? It means you earned importance. And who doesn’t love being important in other people’s eyes! So, isn’t earning importance a purpose? The desire for importance is very strong in human mind. That’s precisely the reason you are always ready for making new friends. Do you ever think that ‘Okay, I have had enough friends now and I am quite happy with all the friends I have. I need not another friend’? No. What happens then? You go on making new and new and new friends. And then you have more friends than you have time for. Then you have to prioritize friends. If need be, eliminate some. On what basis you would prioritize friends? Of course, you will consider the welfare of none other than yourself. It’s a natural process, and so subtle that you don’t even realize doing all that.

People don’t agree with it when I say “prioritize friends”. I understand, it does not sound good. But let me tell you it’s true. Haven’t you ever categorized your friends? Best friend, just friends, hi-hello friends… Sounds funny, but yes, you do have those categories even though the titles may be different. When you look at the definition of friendship you know that anyone who stands up to it (meaning, who understands your thoughts and respects them) is a friend. Say, you have hundred relations; all standing up to it; so all are your friends. But do you consider them all equal? It’s difficult both mentally and practically. That’s the reason you would make those categories. You will allocate your friends into the category which you think appropriate for each one, the calculation of which would be based on your own welfare alone. Now, what all things you take into consideration while deciding the right category for a friend, you alone know. You categorized friends means you “prioritized friends”. Prioritization is only done considering self-welfare. And self-welfare is only ascertained considering one’s needs and their fulfillment.

The needs and purposes taken into consideration may vary from materialistic to spiritual; from sex to moral support; from fun to knowledge, and so on. The list of needs and purposes is endless. It depends upon your circumstances and the depth of your person. In any case, friendship would remain only as long as the needs and purposes of friends are reconciled. Moreover, better the reconciliation better would be the friendship. Every friendship starts with a purpose, materialistic or spiritual; and then this reconciliation constantly decides its path.

Looks like an ugly game, doesn’t it? Yeah, friendship is a nice name of the ugly game. But along with this, another thing to understand is that this game, however ugly, is indispensable. Every one has to play it if one wants to live in the world of "intelligent creatures".

It sounds ugly just because we have idealized the concept of friendship, which is wrong and needless. Friendship is doubtless a good and healthy social activity, but certainly not of supremacy which it is exalted to.

The reason behind writing this article is not to discourage friendships, but to break the idealized belief. So that the next time you lose a friend or your friend hurts you then you shouldn’t get affected because now you know the dynamics behind friendship.